


everything is you, you (good to me)

by yananism



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, and like everything in between, brief text messages, but they aren't too major, iotnbo!au, it's kinda messy, it's probably better than it sounds, mainly jihoon-soonyoung centric, mentions of mental health issues, not a text fic tho, random song lyrics are here too, summary may change and so might some story details idk we'll see, tags will be added as I go, the members are relevant, time skips but like it'll make sense later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:47:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25702309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yananism/pseuds/yananism
Summary: Lee Jihoon is a college senior with a broken family and knows nothing about love. Kwon Soonyoung is also a college senior with a troubled past and can’t let himself be loved. Jihoon lives with a secret identity nobody knows about, and Soonyoung is just trying to balance out his hectic life. Jihoon wants to be able to feel in control, but Soonyoung wants to be able to be free to make his own choices. When the two meet, their emotional healings might be bigger than what they bargained for.(loosely inspired by the netflix's it's okay to not be okay)*updates twice a month (minimum)
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24





	1. prologue.

**Author's Note:**

> this is inspired by it's okay to not be okay on netflix. this part was actually an excerpt from a short story i wrote for creative writing except i changed every "i" and "my" to fit jihoon's perspective. this doesn't really make sense, and i'm still not actually sure if jihoon should be a singer or an author OOPS. BUT i promise everything will make sense later on. keep in mind that there is no set date, so you can interpret when this story takes place however you wish! enjoy!

_**September 7, 20XX**_.

As a bright, vexatious, god-like light shines down onto his face, he stirs groggily onto what feels like a bed of rocks. Sitting up slightly, he allows for the invasive gleam of sunlight to fill his senses, gently allowing his chocolate orbs to adjust. Rubbing his back with his left fist, he blinks shallowly, once, twice, thrice, until it quickly dawns upon him that wherever he is, it isn’t his bedroom. Whirling his neck around as if it were a lasso, the young boy scans his eyes across the scenery before him, flicking back and forth between the window and the door. His head cocks to the side, confusion creeping up his spine as his eyebrows furrowed into a thin line atop his forehead. 

After what feels like hours to the boy, a petite, kind-looking woman waltzes into the room wearing a white lab coat that seemed to engulf her entire figure. The smile on her face is warm, slightly soothing the alarms going off in the young boy’s head. She taps her pen on her clipboard excitedly, flipping through its worn out papers attached to it like a book. 

“Good morning, Mr. Lee. Welcome back to the land of the living. I’m Dr. Adachi,” the woman chirps, the smile on her face growing wider with each word she enunciates. 

_What? Doctor? Is this a hospital? But why am I here_?

Pulling on her stethoscope from around her neck and plugging it into her ears, she tugs onto the sleeves of the ghastly white hospital gown draped over the patient. Resting a hand to his forehead, she clicks her pen, “I’m going to ask you a few questions, Mr. Lee. Then, I’ll be checking your vitals. Is that okay with you?”

He can only nod. His words are caught in his throat, resembling the Sahara Desert sand with nothing to wash it down with. The young boy can feel his mouth moving, lips forming over inaudible words, yet no sounds were coming out. There was only the sad mimic of his lips curling and uncurling into the words he desperately wanted to say - he knows all the words he wants to say, but he just didn’t know how. There were too many words he wanted to say, too many words he needed to say, too many questions swirling in his mind that he was dying to ask. 

“Okay, these first few questions are easy. Ready?” 

Taking his silence as an answer, Dr. Adachi clears her throat, “What is your full name and date of birth?” 

The boy tries once more to find his voice, but his throat feels like it’s on fire. He winces, mustering out a broken chord of what he supposes what his voice sounds like, “Lee Jihoon… my date of birth is November 22, 19XX.”

“And do you know how old you are now?”

Another pathetic croak slips past Jihoon’s lips, “Eight...eighteen. I’m eighteen.”

Dr. Adachi nods, seeming to hesitate, a sense of uncertainty flashing in her honey golden orbs, “You’re actually nineteen, dear. It’s been a while, but do you know why you’re here?”

She must have noticed the confusion laced in Jihoon’s eyes. She clenches his fists from the blue linen sheets, letting her eyes intertwine with his. She gives Jihoon a sympathetic pat on the back, not at all bothered by his silence to her question. She simply takes note of his temperature, sticking a thermometer into his mouth and adjusting the IV hooked onto Jihoon by the veins. 

Jihoon stares blankly at the TV, failing to notice that Dr. Adachi even left the room until the soft click of the door shutting behind her sounds. Jihoon blinks, numblingly aware of the creeping sensation blindsiding him. He shuts his eyes, because all it took was a second for everything to come flooding back to Jihoon. He remembers the memories, clasping two hands over his ears to drown out the static. Thinking of everything he saw, thinking of everything that he thought he knew - it was all a lie. 

_Was it_?

Dr. Adachi says that Jihoon is nineteen now, but how is that possible? Jihoon swears that when he went to bed last night, he was eighteen. His heart pounds in his chest, feeling his blood pulsate in his veins. The memories constrict around Jihoon’s lungs, depriving him of the air he needs to breathe. Jihoon’s brain throbs with how much of the world has dropped onto his shoulders. Jihoon barely can make out what was happening. All he feels is nothing but pain, anger, and sadness. He feels empty and devoid of all emotions. It was as if Jihoon was a robot, except he was defected because Jihoon knows that what he is feeling is real. It is all too real for it to be a mistake. 

Jihoon feels utterly, completely, and undeniably sick to his stomach. His temples are splitting, spreading all the way down to his frontal lobes. It was shaking and trembling with every flash of everything Jihoon loves. 

“Was… was it all real? Please, please, _please_ I wish someone would say that it was just a dream. It’s all in my head, it’s all in my head, _it’s all in my head_ ,” Jihoon mutters to himself, strings of mantras flying past his lips fasters than his mind could keep up. Gasping for air, Jihoon’s lungs angry with the lack of affection it has yet to receive, Jihoon unclasps his fists, unaware of his actions until he feels the first stabbing pain of his heart. But maybe that’s where the problem starts.

With every breath Jihoon manages to catch, it went straight through him. Jihoon clutches a hand over his heart, tracing his fingers over his rib cage to remind himself that he was still alive and breathing and very much human. His eyes flit over to the wristband on his wrist, the words _hospital, patient number 0615, admitted 12/14/XX_ mock him, stripping him of his sanity as his heart rate accelerates. Jihoon grasps his chest tighter, feeling the discomfort more clearly as it wrestles with his heart, strangling it harder and harder until he couldn’t count how many times it was beating in a minute anymore. Jihoon cringes, panting for breath. His ears ring with the screams that she leaves me with. Even in my dreams, and now that Jihoon is awake, he can still hear it just as clearly as if it were the first time. It was the only thing she left Jihoon with. 

_But what… what if it was all a dream_?

Jihoon’s lip quivers with the possibility that his perception of time was distorted. A coldness runs down his spine, making his way down his body like a virus. It slithers across Jihoon’s throat in a zig-zag motion and it doesn’t stop, no matter what he does. It holds him into place, ignoring the thrashing of Jihoon’s thighs and the creaking beneath him. Jihoon can’t escape it, even as its shadow peers at him with a malicious smile, reveling in his tears as it feels Jihoon’s fears come to life. It rises higher and higher, swallowing Jihoon whole until only his head remains. The choice was never Jihoon’s anyways. It carries Jihoon away from himself, separating his being from his creator, shackling Jihoon’s knees to the ground and pulling him deeper and deeper into its abyss until Lee Jihoon is no longer. The realization hits Jihoon full force, tackling him with a forbidden silence that plagues his thoughts. 

_Get out, get out, get out_!

It was never the same, and it will never be the same. The bittersweet taste of betrayal leaves a sour flavor on Jihoon’s tongue, but something inside him just knows. As his heart rate skyrockets, the heart monitor beside him shrieks, raging on to rival a siren. Feeling the blood rush to his ears, that hurt is enough to stop the small breaths Jihoon barely gets in. 

“STOP IT! LET ME GO,” Jihoon screeches against the walls of his demons as they close in on him. 

No matter how hard Jihoon kicks and screams, they didn’t stop. Dr. Adachi looks at me with a pitiful look, a somber glint in her eyes as she saunters towards Jihoon with a syringe in her hand. Jihoon backs away from her, sliding to the very edge of the hospital bed of the forsaken room. With nowhere left to go, Jihoon pleads with her one last time. 

As Dr. Adachi jams the blue fluid into Jihoon’s bloodstream, everything begins to slow down. But even through all the sedatives and painkillers, it follows Jihoon around into the dark. It grabs his hands and yanks him to the other side, the realm of everything he ever knew there but never the same. It is the world where hopes and dreams go to die - a world where everything is not as it seems. 

Even through the deafening silence in Jihoon’s ears and with the fluttering of his eyes, Jihoon can still never get those words out of his head. Those words that taint his skin and run off her lips, the memory of her remains. It was a distant dream imprinted onto Jihoon, albeit it was just like yesterday when Jihoon first recalls those words. It etches into his heart, the core of his soul quaking as every word thumped harder in his ears.

“ _You’ll never get out_.”


	2. trial & error.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_hiraeth: (noun)_ **
> 
> **_the feeling of being homesick for a home one is not able to return to;_  
>  homesickness pertaining to a home that never was**.

Soonyoung reluctantly opens his eyes, feeling as if his eyelids were glued shut into his skull. A blaring, obnoxious sound fills his eardrums, furthering the already regretful headache he already has. Soonyoung flips over on his side to smack the button that would end all his misery, he squints at the red, precocious numbers plastered onto his alarm clock. 

_07:00_.

With a groan, Soonyoung flops back onto his duvet once more. Putting an arm across his face, he huffs out a deep, defeated sigh, “I forgot I had work today.”

Being a college student is way above anything Soonyoung ever imagined. He didn’t think it would be this much - of course, there were the goals of paying off debts and trying not to fail, but Soonyoung underestimated just how _hard_ being a student and an employee would be. Even on a Saturday, the poor college student still can’t catch a break. Classes in the morning and all five days a week with a splash of being a barista at the local coffee shop across campus over the weekends and afternoons. Feeling the bones in his body sinking into the bed, Soonyoung pulls himself out of bed, much to his dismay. His comforter was much more appealing than the appalling mustard yellow apron he has to wear for his shifts anyways. Letting out another sigh, Soonyoung clobbers over to the bathroom with the tune of that rising boyband’s newest song. 

A wave of nausea hits Soonyoung as he throws the bathroom door open. His uneasy stomach churns in its place, twisting and turning as if it were trying to weave its way out of Soonyoung’s body. Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrow in anxiousness, his gut shouting at him that something was wrong. On buckling knees, Soonyoung shakes the feeling of dread away as he reaches for his toothbrush. Another wave of sickness washes over Soonyoung as he spits into the sink, staring down at the swirl of minty white run into the drain. Soonyoung’s head was spinning, already sensing the intrusive image of a giant red exclamation point flashing above his black hair. 

Soonyoung gently walks over to the guest room, prying the door open to see his brother pacing back and forth. Soonyoung smiles, catching his brother by the shoulders and getting his backpack from the desk chair. Gathering his brother's journal from the cupboard, Soonyoung slips it into the pockets of the backpack before flinging it over his brother’s back. His brother looks up at him with wide eyes before breaking out into a lopsided grin. 

“Good morning, hyung. Ready to go?”

Soonyoung’s brother nods his head nervously, bringing his hand to his mouth so he could bite his nails, “Y-yes, I’m ready to go. I’ll be staying with Joshua and Jeonghan as you go to work.” 

Soonyoung pats his brother’s head, pushing him out the door until they’re safely nestled in Soonyoung’s car. Seungcheol fogs the window, drawing spaceships onto the glass. Seungcheol bounces on his feet as Jeonghan and Joshua open the door for their oldest friend, clapping him on the back and handing him an apron.

Soonyoung is hesitant to leave, turning back once more as his fingertips graze the doorknob. Joshua gives him an assuring smile, telling him a silent _go, it’s okay_. Checking the clock above the doorframe of the bakery, Soonyoung curses and flies out of the shop and into his car. Soonyoung zooms across the busy street until he sees the familiar sign of his work, whipping into the nearest parking space he sees. 

“I’m here!” Soonyoung pants, sliding behind the counter and wiping his hands onto his jeans. He shies away from Wonwoo’s glare, but Soonyoung knows he isn’t in any real trouble. 

The bookworm flashes Soonyoung a warm eye-smile, breathing out a sigh of relief as he throws Soonyoung’s apron towards him, “And I’m glad. I would hate to work here without my best friend.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes, “Like you would ever fire me. Besides, how bullshit is it that we’re the same fucking age and you’re already the manager of this place?”

Wonwoo says nothing as he hands Soonyoung the menu, sending him a push of encouragement towards the bustling buzz of people scattered around the coffee shop. Soonyoung sighs as he looks on towards a long day of work, crossing his fingers behind his back in hopes that nothing goes wrong today. Soonyoung approaches a table seating a trio. Setting the menus onto their table, he waits patiently until they’re ready to order. The man in the middle sports a blinding set of teeth. Soonyoung purses his lips together, returning an awkward, but friendly gesture back to him. 

“Welcome to _De-latte-d to Meet You_ , my name is Soonyoung. What can I get for you?”

The man in the middle opens his mouth, his voice bright and loud, “Hi Soonyoung! The name’s Seokmin, this is Mingyu and this one, the grumpy one, is Jihoon.”

Soonyoung follows where Seokmin’s thumb is pointing, eyes landing on a boy with cold eyes and an annoyed expression on his face. Jihoon narrows his gaze at Soonyoung and Soonyoung inhales sharply, letting his eyes wander off to the remaining boys at the table. Seokmin nudges at the smallest of the trio, and Mingyu clears his throat.

“Uh, right, well, we’ll have two iced Americanos and a plain, black iced coffee. And like, if you could give us one of each desserts, that’d be great,” Mingyu speaks with caution, pleading at Soonyoung with silent eyes, motioning to Jihoon.

Soonyoung gets the hint and looks at him with an amused expression, scribbling onto the notebook in his hand, “Wow, okay, this early? Sounds like trouble.”

Jihoon slams his fists on the table, eyeing Soonyoung up and down before waltzing out the door, “It’s uncomfortable in here. I’m leaving.”

Seokmin splutters in his seat, launching himself to follow after the tiny man, leaving Mingyu behind to converse with Wonwoo at the cash register as Soonyoung quietly slips behind the counter again to make the strange trio’s order. He hands all thirty-one desserts to the giant man and whisks the freshly-brewed drinks to the opposite side of the counter. Soonyoung offers to help Mingyu, but he declines, throwing a chunk of change at Soonyoung and shouting a loud _thanks!_ behind him before dashing out the door of the coffee shop. Soonyoung scrunches his face, his side eye locking with Wonwoo's. Soonyoung shrugs, turning away from the booth of where the customers were sitting. Soonyoung doesn't know what it is, but something about the small man, _Jihoon_ doesn't sit right with him. Whistling away and serving the next customer, the thought of the interesting bunch goes away and Soonyoung forgets all about the encounter.

Soonyoung wipes down the counters as his shift nears its end, bouncing with anticipation. It wasn’t as if Soonyoung didn’t like his job, but it gets boring and busy and Soonyoung gets tired. Most days are booming to life with how much business they get. Soonyoung watches the clock strike down to the last second until it hits 5pm at an agonizing pace. Soonyoung leaps over the counter, swiping his card to clock out and flinging his worn-out apron on the hook behind the employee door. 

Wonwoo swerves out of the way as Soonyoung comes barrelling towards the wall. He holds the gemini steady and ruffles Soonyoung’s hair, guiding me to the door, “Good work today, Soon. I know today was rough, but it will pay off.”

Soonyoung smacks his manager in the arm, feigning innocence, “Right… only two more years until we graduate. At the rate of debt I’m in, I’ll be working here until I’m dead.”

Wonwoo clicks his tongue before frowning, “And what’s wrong with that? But anyways, Soon, you sure you don’t need me to take you home? You know how the city gets when the sun sets. 

Soonyoung’s heart squelches in his chest, his cheeks flushing with blood, “I’m going to be fine, Won. Besides, I drove here. I have to pick up Cheol-hyung and then I’ll be safe and sound at home.” 

Wonwoo hesitates before nodding, “Yeah, okay, I guess that’s fair enough. You know I worry about you and your brother. Still, be careful, Soonyoung. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

The teenager spins on his heels and walks to his beat-down blue car. Soonyoung’s phone rings, and before he can even muster out a greeting, shrieks fill his ears. Turning the keys into the ignition, his car roars to life and sets his phone on speaker. Jeonghan ushers Soonyoung to hurry to thor home as fast as he can before the line goes dead. Soonyoung panics, stepping onto the gas harder.

From a distance, Jeonghan and Joshua’s house emerges and it’s not long before Soonyoung hears the sheer noise erupting from their closed doors. Soonyoung bursts through the door and the sight in front of him breaks his heart. Seungcheol is screaming his head off while Joshua is crouched down next to him trying to calm him down. Jeonghan looks like he’s about to burst into tears. Soonyoung pushes Joshua out of the way and forces his brother to look at him. Soonyoung looks at him with the softest of eyes, “Hey, hyung. What’s wrong? You wanna tell your brother?”

Seungcheol peers up at him through his eyelashes, biting his nails and leaving shallow breaths as his screams subside. He shakes his head, burying his head further into the wall, sheltering himself under the table. Soonyoung sighs, wrapping his jacket over Seungcheol’s head and leaving him be. He knows his brother will come to him and open up when he’s ready. Soonyoung stands to his full height, running a finger through his eyebrow and leading his friends away from his distraught brother. Jeonghan looks at Soonyoung with sorrowful eyes, “Is it the butterflies again?”

Joshua pats Soonyoung’s back, soothing him from the worry in his heart. But Soonyoung isn’t just worried, he’s tired. He knows that every spring, Seungcheol and him have to leave again to outrun the butterflies that torment his dear brother every year. Soonyoung shoots a knowing look, and both boys can’t help but feel their heart sink at that realization. Jeonghan grabs Soonyoung’s wrist, his lip quivering and his eyes hard, “Soon, you can’t keep running. You’ve been here for almost two years because the butterflies weren’t bad this time. It’s time to face it, you can’t just run away. You’re almost graduating.”

Soonyoung’s shoulder slump, but he knows that he’d do anything for his brother. He may be the younger brother, but he has to keep being strong for the both of them. He picks up Seungcheol’s backpack off the kitchen table and drops it off to the car. By the time he returns, Seungcheol is on his feet and letting Jeonghan coddle him. Joshua stares at him with sad eyes, but Soonyoung can’t give him the answer he wants. 

“Soon, are you really leaving again?”

“Shua… you know we have to.”

The disappointed look on Joshua’s face makes Soonyoung look down to the floor in shame, but he’ll figure out a plan. He always does. Years and years of running away from what hurts has always been a routine for Soonyoung. He’s learned to not get too comfortable or to grow attached. But this time, Soonyoung knows it’ll hurt the most for the first time in a long time. 

Bundling up Seungcheol in his sweater and tucking him into the front seat of Soonyoung’s car, Jeonghan and Joshua are right behind him. They push him to finish off the semester before making a decision, but Soonyoung can’t wait that long. He wants to hold out for his own wants, but he can’t for his brother’s sake. It’s never really been about what Soonyoung wants, his world always was in the form of Kwon Seungcheol. 

Jeonghan tsks, wrapping Soonyoung in a hug and pressing a kiss to his forehead, “Just graduate soon. You can’t move schools for the third time before you’re even 22.”

Soonyoung snorts, but he knows his friends mean well. He knows in the morning he’ll have to put this life behind him as he runs away to start afresh until next spring. He sends a silent apology to Wonwoo, Jeonghan, and Joshua. He never had a home, but this surely felt like the closest he would ever get. After his mother died, it became just Seungcheol and Soonyoung. He would do anything for Seungcheol, but sometimes he wonders how much longer he'll have to give in. 

His heart feels heavy as Soonyoung turns on the car to go to the place he calls home one last time. In the morning, he’ll have to break his own heart again to keep his brother safe. It’s never been about Soonyoung anyways, after all, his purpose of existence is for his brother. His mother’s voice echoes in his ears, telling him that the reason why he was born was to care for his brother when she’s gone. He knows that that's all to it, but for one last night, Soonyoung lets himself grieve for a life he wishes he had. With a deep sigh, his heart grows heavier in his ribcage, and he closes the page behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey babes, how was this? let me know what you think. this drama really has taken up all of my time and i feel so empty waiting for the last two episodes to air. and whoops, i almost missed this update BUT sorry i've been so busy! i have so much i have to do but there's so much more things i don't wanna do SO i'm literally tryin everything in my power to avoid them! this sounds so vague so far and it's kinda slow BUT i swear it's gonna get somewhere eventually hehe, lemme know what you think! don't mind all the mistakes you may encounter, i don't proofread these LOL
> 
> on a serious note, if you ever need someone to talk to, just know that i'm here. you're not alone, and you are important. you are loved. whatever it is, you can come to me. 
> 
> til then, love you guys <3
> 
> twt: @glowingji


	3. clean slate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_backpfeifengesicht: (noun)_ **
> 
> _**a person who needs to be slapped;  
>  lit. "a person that needs a fist in it."** _

Jihoon grumbles to himself, trudging to class and wishing for a coffee. His mind wanders back to the barista and the coffee shop he went to over the weekend. He, Mingyu, and Seokmin traveled to Namyangju from Seoul to get inspiration for Jihoon’s next track. They ended up going to _De-latte-d to Meet You_ because Jihoon was in dire need of caffeine. The tiny café was comfortable and lowkey, but Jihoon had felt sick with how happy the people were. Their coffee was superb, but their name was horrendous. Seriously, a damn pun?

Jihoon has a faint flutter in his heart when he thinks of the barista - Soonyoung - or was it Sooyoung? Soojin? Jihoon isn’t sure of his name, but he’s confident that the boy was cute. Jihoon tsks, shaking his head. He curses and vows to go back to that too-lively coffee shop for his liking again to get a quality cup of coffee, but he supposes that the scatter-brained barista is a bonus.

A hand breaks Jihoon out of his thoughts, and his eyes immediately go back to blank. Jihoon glares at the person next to him. Mingyu shrinks under his scrutiny, and it’s true, Mingyu is a good half a foot or so taller than Jihoon, but he swears that it will never stop Jihoon from beating the shit out of him.

“What’s got you so happy? I’ve never seen you this quiet before.”

Seokmin butts in, “And you haven’t cursed once yet, hyung! A penny for your thoughts?”

Jihoon scoffs, shoving both of them into the wall and walking ahead, “You both are annoying. I don’t even know why I hang out with you guys.”

As the trio gets closer to campus, they break off into their respective paths since they don’t have the same classes nor majors. Seokmin ruffles Jihoon’s hair, teasing him that he wouldn’t have any other friends otherwise if it weren’t for him and Mingyu. Mingyu decides to not kiss Jihoon on the forehead and bid him goodbye as Jihoon was a mere second away from biting their heads off. Mingyu and Seokmin raise their hands in surrender before turning around and leaving Jihoon alone. Jihoon huffs, marching up to his philosophy class and pummeling through the door just before the professor starts her lecture. She gives Jihoon a dirty look, but he ignores her and takes his seat in the very back of the classroom. Jihoon twitches at the sight of a man sitting directly next to him as he’s always been alone for the whole semester. He clears his throat, marching up to the man’s desk, ready to tell him off, but his words die in his throat as Jihoon sees who the mystery man is.

The man’s eyes widen, and Jihoon knows they must be thinking the same thing. He shoots up in his seat, scrambling to his feet and pointing his index finger at Jihoon. The man follows Jihoon’s figure, mouth opening and closing to form words he wants to say. Jihoon rolls his eyes and grudgingly takes his rightful place in the classroom. Realizing that he is being ignored, Soonyoung awkwardly shuffles back into his seat and resumes zoning out during their professor’s lecture about symbolism and rhetorical devices to make writing more effective.

A loud, thunderous clap resounds and Soonyoung jolts awake. Jihoon sneers next to him but pays him no mind. Mrs. Song paces across the room in long strides, dropping slips of paper onto each student’s desk. Soonyoung looks at it with a careful look, already knowing where this is headed. A smile forms on her lips and the woman is practically oozing in excitement.

“Okay, class. We’re going to be working on a project for the next two months, at the very least.”

A string of groans and complaints fill the classroom. She waves her hand in dismissal, shushing the class before continuing her tangent. She grabs a digital timer from her drawer and plugs it into her computer to transfer the timer’s screen to the projector. The time “5:00” pops up onto the screen behind her.

“Oh, relax. You all are grown adults. You act as if you’ve never done a project before. And if you haven’t, welcome to college, in case you needed a reminder. But this isn’t the type of project that you think.”

She giggles from her desk, scanning the room and noting all the confused faces. She claps her hands once again, “From now until the end of the year, you’ll be getting to know your partner. Who your partner is will be determined by that paper I oh-so-graciously placed onto your desks. Find someone with the same color and number. And no, there are no loopholes. Everyone will have one partner. You will be given the prompt once everyone is situated and cozied up. And the time starts,” Mrs. Song pauses for a moment, sucking in a breath and observing the atmosphere of her classroom, “Now.”

Students immediately rise out of their seats, scattering and flooding her classroom with unnecessary noise as they try to find their match. Jihoon’s head spins with the increasing volume and he hopes that whoever he is paired with won’t piss him off. Jihoon has never been popular with others, so it’s only natural that he tries to avoid as much human interaction as he can. Soonyoung stands awkwardly in place, his eyes flitting over the scene in front of him. He sighs, taking a step forward when a hand on his wrist brings him back to reality.

_“Stop_."

Soonyoung cocks his head to the side, narrowing his eyes at his neighbor who Soonyoung vaguely remembers as one-third of that strange trio that came into his shop yesterday. When Jihoon - Soonyoung hopes that’s his name - doesn’t speak, he shrugs and glances at the timer. There’s about three more minutes until it rings. The hand on Soonyoung’s wrist tightens and Soonyoung yanks his arm away, hissing in pain.

“I told you to stop. We’re partners.”

Jihoon throws his paper at Soonyoung, the color bright and unmistakable yellow. The number 17 stares at Soonyoung in the face and all the air is knocked out from his system. Soonyoung, stunned by surprise, is forcibly pushed back into his seat by tiny fists. Tugging on the strings of his hoodie, Soonyoung swallows the lump in his throat. He immediately feels a pull to his partner. When his gaze locks with his neighbor, Soonyoung is entranced by Jihoon’s beauty. It’s not until a pencil is thrown at him does Soonyoung realize that he was staring. He coughs into his hand, trying to play it off.

Turning his head to the side, Soonyoung sees that the timer counts down to two minutes. He opens his mouth to speak, but he realizes that he doesn’t know his partner’s name. Sure, Soonyoung has a guess but he doesn’t want to call him by the wrong name. Soonyoung mentally smacks himself in the head before rotating his chair to mirror that of his partner.

“I’m Soonyoung.”

His partner turns to him with that same expression of annoyance as he had a few days ago. Leaning against the wall and disregarding Soonyoung’s outstretched hand, he looks at Soonyoung for a moment before swiveling his body away from him.

“Jihoon.”

In any other circumstance, Soonyoung would feel accomplished and relieved that he had guessed Jihoon’s name right, but right now Soonyoung just feels blatantly neglected and disrespected. The moment is short-lived as Jihoon breaks the silence between them. Catching sight of Soonyoung's white eraser, Jihoon snatches it from Soonyoung's desk because it looks elegant enough for him to play with. Soonyoung doesn't take it back, but his nose crinkles at the random gesture. Jihoon almost smirks at the sight. Jihoon supposes that the boy is even cuter now that he's in front of him and Jihoon can finally get a proper look at him. Jihoon takes in the aura of Soonyoung from his peripheral, but he never fully gives him his undivided attention. 

“You’re that guy from the coffee shop. The one with the shitty name but with top-tier coffee.”

Soonyoung’s eyebrows perk up, because _wow, he remembers_!

“Yeah, I’m the one. And you’re the one with the freakishly tall and sunflower friends.”

Jihoon almost bites back, but before he can, his words are drowned out by their professor’s voice and Soonyoung is glad.

Mrs. Song cuts into the heavy atmosphere in the classroom but it felt like it was mostly concentrated between both boys, “Alright, you have one minute and twenty second left!”

Jihoon twirls the eraser he plucked off of Soonyoung’s desk, “I haven’t seen you around before. Did you just transfer into this class?”

Soonyoung visibly shifts in his seat, uncomfortable with the question but knowing it’s a valid ask.

“Uh, yeah. I actually just enrolled here yesterday night. I transferred here from Namyangju.”

Jihoon stops his twirling and Soonyoung is taken aback from his visage. If Soonyoung squints hard enough, he’d be able to see the perplexion on Jihoon’s face. It was almost as if Jihoon is actually intrigued by something for the first time in his life.

“That’s not too bad. It’s only like thirty minutes to get here. But the fact you transferred in the middle of the first semester into a university you have to wait until the next year to apply to... How’d you pull that off?”

With a shrug of his shoulders, Soonyoung’s fingernails scratch at his scalp, “I just got lucky, I guess.”

Behind his back, Soonyoung has his fingers crossed, praying that Jihoon won’t ask why he moved or try to pry into his personal life. He breathes a sigh of relief when Jihoon simply hums in acknowledgement and goes back to tossing Soonyoung’s eraser in the air.

A loud, blaring noise chirps, breaking through the conversations of students. Mrs. Song clicks off the timer and unplugs it from her computer. She shoves the timer back into her drawer and perches herself onto the desk.

“Well, I kept you waiting long enough, hmm? The topic of your project is _introspection_. Whether it’s a dream you had last night, or it’s about school or life, passions, hobbies pick one and find a way to express it. Now, I know what you’re thinking, what’s the purpose of doing this in a duo? The answer is simple - you will get to know your partner through their eyes. What this signifies is that it brings a sense of belonging and vulnerability, meaning that however you choose to express your dream, it’s symbolizing a period of time where both of you shared that special moment together. The purpose? It’s looking within yourself to _understand_ what makes you the person you are today. What does that have to do with your partner? As you get to know them, you’ll be able to look within them to see them for _who they are_ , not for who they wish they could be. You can choose to go along with it individually or combine it, it’s up to you. With that being said, begin getting to know your partner. We’ll discuss this more on Wednesday. Class is dismissed.”

Murmurs filled the room as students pack up their bags and begin to exchange contact information with one another. Soonyoung almost trips on his own feet as he’s heading out of the classroom, barely catching Jihoon’s phone in his hands. Jihoon sports a bored expression on his face, but Soonyoung can see the amusement in his eyes. When Soonyoung tries to hand Jihoon his phone, Jihoon shoves it back into his hands and tells him to _enter your fucking number, idiot_. Through fingers clumsily punching in digits into the keypad, Soonyoung saves his number and slides it back to Jihoon. Soonyoung reaches into his pocket so Jihoon can save his number into his phone, but when Soonyoung looks up again, Jihoon is gone.

Jihoon flops down onto the empty chair of where his friends are seated. Mingyu spares him a quick once-over before shoveling a spoonful of ramen into his mouth. Seokmin cringes, dabbing at the table where noodle residue from Mingyu’s slurping landed.

“Are you okay, hyung? It’s been a long day, right?”

Stealing the bowl of ramen from the youngest of the trio, Jihoon spins a huge chunk of noodles on his chopsticks and stuffs his face. Jihoon ignores Mingyu’s whines.

“You know that coffee shop we went to in Namyangju, like, a few days ago?”

Seokmin squeals, nodding his head fast enough to make Jihoon’s headache worse just by looking at him, “The one with the really good dessert and the cute barista?”

Jihoon scrunches his nose at the comment, “Yeah. He’s in my philosophy class. Said he transferred from Namyangju to Seoul over the weekend.”

“That’s a bit weird, isn’t it? Why the sudden move?”

Spit flies out of Mingyu’s mouth as he speaks and Jihoon is disgusted at the amount of spit a human could possibly let out in two sentences.

He shrugs, “I didn’t ask. Anyways, we have a project together on stupid shit. Dreams? Is that a fucking joke?”

Mingyu and Seokmin don’t disagree, but they move on to how their day had gone. A part of Jihoon doesn’t care too much about his friends’ antics, but he feels too empty to care. He lets them drone on about the math test they both bombed as Jihoon’s mind filters out any thought. They drag Jihoon by the sleeve and into the nearest boba shop. Jihoon’s vision clouds as the image of the barista fills his brain, but he’ll never say it out loud. Something about that boy draws Jihoon to him. Tracing the air one last time with the image of Soonyoung in his mind, Jihoon smiles to himself.

With heavy footsteps, Soonyoung drags himself into the cramped house. Jeonghan and Joshua are seated at the dining table with Seungcheol. Jeonghan beckons Soonyoung to sit down as Joshua piles food onto an empty plate.

“Your first day of school, how-how was it?”

Seungcheol blinks at his little brother from across the table before muttering to himself, and Soonyoung knows he’s lost his attention. Soonyoung chuckles before he helps himself to the food Joshua graciously made. Stroking his hair, Jeonghan peers at his younger brother with a fond look on his face.

“It was fine, hyung. Nothing much happened, but in my philosophy class, we got assigned a project about dreams. My partner is this guy I served at work, like, literally three days ago. Small world, right?”

“Who knows? Maybe it'll be the start of a beautiful friendship. But speaking of work, did you quit?”

Chugging down a glass of water and almost choking from Jeonghan's implication of a _friendship_ , Soonyoung shakes his head, “No, I think I can commute from here. We didn’t move that far anyways, but you already know that. We just moved into your house.”

Joshua stops washing the dishes and calls from the sink, “Soonyoung, we already told you that it’s fine. You know you and Cheol are always welcome here. Besides you act like Hannie and I are the only ones who live here. Did you forget Junhui and Wonwoo live here too?”

Soonyoung’s guilt doesn’t subside, but he doesn’t push the matter further. He opts for a different approach, “What kind of shit is that? How can Won be the same age as Junnie and I yet he is the manager of the place we work at?”

Jeonghan ruffles Soonyoung’s hair, getting up from his seat to help Joshua at the sink, “You’re lucky he isn’t here to hear that. You all are college students at the same university. Be nice to them.”

“Yeah, but the bad thing is that we live together. So I can’t lie to him about work anymore.”

“You shouldn’t be doing that in the first place anyways, Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung bows his head at his older brother, apologizing for his bad habits and finishing his bowl of kimchi fried rice and placing it into the sink. Soonyoung shrugs, deciding that this move to Seoul wasn’t such a loss after all. He thought he’d have to move in far away again, but Soonyoung is grateful Jeonghan and Joshua were quick to take him in. Seungcheol was more than ecstatic to accept the offer, but Soonyoung didn’t want to leech off of his four dearest friends. In the end, it didn’t take Soonyoung long to be convinced. All it took was Wonwoo and Junhui’s card in getting him to attend the same university as them. How they did it remains a mystery to Soonyoung, but he thinks that he’d rather not know. A gentle buzz vibrates onto Soonyoung’s thigh and he opens up a message from an unknown number.

**From: [unknown]  
20:12**

**_hey, soonyoung  
sorry, i forgot to say that it’s jihoon.  
you busy_**?

**To: Jihoon  
20:12 ******

******heyyy, i’m not busy  
u need smthng**?** **

****

******From: Jihoon  
20:15** ** **

********_nothing really, just wanted to let you know_  
anyways, this is my number  
don’t text me unless it’s important  
don’t be more irritating than you already seem  
bye**.**

****

Soonyoung blinks down at his phone, mouth gaping in sheer disbelief at the audacity of his classmate. He sighs, dreading the incoming months. Soonyoung’s luck never fails to amaze him. Maybe he’d be able to pull through if it were a few weeks, but months? How the hell is Soonyoung supposed to put up with a rude person who is supposed to be getting to know him? It’d be a miracle if Soonyoung can hold himself back enough to not punch the guy in the throat. Though, something in the back of Soonyoung’s brain is screaming at him that this whole thing is going to be a mistake. 

Irritated and frustrated, Soonyoung tucks himself under the covers of his bed, pulling the blankets over his head and listening to the yells of Seungcheol and Jeonghan bickering. Soonyoung drifts off to sleep, his heart warm in his chest as he unknowingly dreams about a boy with cold eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm bad at this, i changed up so many details. if it isn't clear, soonyoung moved from namyangju to seoul and he was able to commute from his work at wonwoo's cafe (which is in seoul) to his previous house (an apartment in namyangju). soonyoung and cheol were supposed to move hours away, but hannie and shua were quick to coax the brothers into staying with them and only moving a city over. jeonghan and joshua are a "thing" but it's like unclear at this point. jeonghan and joshua also have a "thing" for cheol, but shhh, don't tell them you know. oh and jihoon is a dick but you already knew that!
> 
> everything will become more clear as it goes on!
> 
> let me know your thoughts <3
> 
> as always, this is unedited. i love you xx
> 
> twt: @glowingji


	4. up & down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_metanoia: (noun)_ **
> 
> _**the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life**_.

Soonyoung awakes to the speakers of Jeonghan’s radio blaring throughout the house and Seungcheol singing along to the lyrics. He groans, flipping over on his side and plugging his ears under the pillows. A soft knock resonates on the other side of Soonyoung and Seungcheol’s shared bedroom, light and careful, but it still meets Soonyoung’s eardrums. Ignoring it, Soonyoung falls back into a rhythm of half-consciousness until he is standing upright onto his feet with a killer headache. 

Shaking himself out of his daze, Soonyoung glares at his assailant and rubs at the bump on his head, “Ouch, hyung! Why are you doing this to me?”

Jeonghan smiles at Soonyoung, but Soonyoung knows that look. He narrows his eyes at Jeonghan, suspicion rising in his orbs. Jeonghan feigns innocence and shrugs his shoulders.

“Oh, don’t look at me like I’m some _devil_. I’m just here to wake you up because I’m a good hyung who wants his growing child to eat a good meal since you’ve been working so hard.”

Soonyoung never believed that his small, slanted eyes could take him so far to express his emotions perfectly. He really never thought that his eyes could ever roll so far back into his skull, but yet there he is doing just that at ass o’clock in the morning. The words _good hyung_ and _Yoon Jeonghan_ should never be used in the same sentence. Grumbling to himself, he pushes past Jeonghan and it takes every ounce of Soonyoung’s being to carry him to the overcrowded table meant for four people.

Joshua places a plate in front of Soonyoung, steaming and fresh before sitting down at his spot on one end of the table and eating his own share of food. “Good morning, Soonyoung. Slept well?”

Soonyoung didn’t, of course. He never really does. There’s just too many things that he worries about and fears, but he never has time to dwell on it because everything about him comes after looking after his brother. Soonyoung is tired, and at this point, he isn’t sure what type of tiredness it is. If any of his friends knew the truth, he wouldn’t be able to take it. Not wanting to worry anyone, he lies.

“Sure, hyung. I slept fine.”

Junhui pauses from slurping his noodles, not even having the decency to swallow before he laughs loudly, “Dude, you look like shit. Why lie? We know it already.”

Soonyoung shifts in his spot, adjusting his legs to dig deeper into the floor as his weight is transferred from one side to another, “That’s just my face.”

The table among them is silent until Jeonghan finally joins the rest of them. Breaking his chopsticks in half, Jeonghan clears his throat and tells Soonyoung that he should spend the day with the five of them. Mulling it over in his head, Soonyoung wants to say yes, but he knows better than to give in to anything that Yoon Jeonghan suggests. Sure, he always insists that there’s never a catch, but really, _it’s Yoon Jeonghan_ who says it, and that makes it all the more a lie. 

“He’s not lying, Soon. Hannie and I just wanna treat you guys to a nice, relaxing day at the amusement park. Don’t you guys think you deserve it?”

And of course, there are no repercussions from Junhui or Wonwoo because they _always_ go along with whatever plan involves them benefitting from it in some way. And of course, Soonyoung is even more convinced to not accept the idea of a “relaxing day” no matter how badly Soonyoung wants to. He deserves a bit of pampering, but the thought of being weak for even a second makes him feels sick. He reminds himself that it’s one thing to have Yoon Jeonghan plan something, but once Hong Jisoo is in on it, it’s _never_ what they say it is. That’s the final blow to Jeonghan’s credibility, and Soonyoung isn’t going to be a pawn in whatever game they’re getting at. 

“No thanks, hyung. I know better than to trust you two. Besides, I have school today.”

Seungcheol, who hasn’t said a single word until now, exposes his own little brother and Soonyoung has never felt more betrayed, “No you don’t. Your classes are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Today is Tuesday, so you don’t have school.”

With a shocked expression on his face, Soonyoung chokes on his noodles of jjamppong because _what the fuck happened to the bro-code_? He didn’t expect his brother to turn on him, but the Kwons were never one to lie. But still, Soonyoung makes another weak attempt to get out of it by saying he has a shift at the cafe later today.

Wonwoo smirks at Soonyoung, and despite Soonyoung’s pleading eyes, he is again betrayed by his own family. “No you don’t. I gave you this entire week off and gave your shifts to Seungkwan, remember?”

Defeated, Soonyoung has no choice but to (reluctantly) accept the evil twin’s _graceful_ invitation. Jumping up from their seats, Jeonghan and Joshua clap their hands and cheer triumphantly. He knows he’s gonna regret this, but Soonyoung still lets himself be dragged out the door and into Jeonghan’s car once everyone is cozy and ready to face the day. 

The front door of Jihoon’s house bursts open, gangly limbs and awkward shuffling showing themselves in. Jihoon turns his head ever so slightly at the noise, paying no actual mind to the people who intruded his home. Jihoon hums, dabbing a napkin to the corner of his lips and fixing his posture so his back is aligned perfectly with the floor. Mingyu’s excitement dies down in his throat as he lays his eyes on Jihoon’s small form.

“Jihoon-hyung, are you- Why aren’t you ready? Didn’t I tell you that we’re going to the amusement park today?”

Jihoon deadpans, “I don’t want to.” 

Gesturing to Jihoon’s pajamas, Mingyu takes a deep breath and tries again. Jihoon’s eyes darken, soaking up irritation and impatience with every word the taller says. Wanting to get Jihoon out of the house is always a hard task for Mingyu to do alone, but with Seokmin in tow, there’s a higher success rate. Disregarding Mingyu’s whole spiel on why it’s important to go out and get some sunlight, Jihoon goes back to eating breakfast. Mingyu huffs, looking to Seokmin for support and Seokmin swallows. 

“Listen, hyung, you’ve been working hard on your career. Doesn’t being _Woozi_ ever get tiring? Gyu and I just want a day for you to unwind. Your free day is today, anyways.

Jihoon slams his fists on the table, rising to his full height. A calm, neutral aspect plays on Jihoon’s face, but both boys can sense the tempestuous aura radiating off on Jihoon’s milky white complexion. 

“I don’t want to,” Jihoon repeats, “I’m busy working on the song. I have yet to publish it, you know. Go away, you’re bothering me.” 

Seokmin shamelessly smiles, holding up three tickets in the air. Noticing Jihoon’s eyes following the motions, Seokmin knows Jihoon is interested. Within a second, Jihoon is on his feet and dashing up the stairs to get dressed. 

Mingyu gapes at Seokmin in awe, pupils wide and sharp teeth exposed, “Wow, hyung! How did you do that?” 

Pointing finger guns at Mingyu, Seokmin winks and trots out of the kitchen, “With Jihoon, food does the trick every time.”

Fifteen minutes later, Jihoon descends down the steps of his house, and Mingyu’s eyes almost pop out of his sockets. 

“Oh damn, hyung. You look good.”

Jihoon sways his hips, “Always.”

Walking to the front doors and turning around, Jihoon clicks his tongue when Seokmin and Mingyu are nowhere to be seen. Pinching the bridge of his nose, all it takes is a one-worded outburst from Jihoon to have four legs dashing to his side in fitful manners. 

Scrabbling to their feet, Mingyu and Seokmin mindlessly follow Jihoon into Mingyu’s car, hearts pumping and blood rushing to their heads. 

At the amusement park, Soonyoung is already regretting his choice. In the midst of the crowd, the heat of the hot sun mingles with the spread of bodies surrounding him. Whirls of machines and screams of children float in the air, tiring him out before they even get to their first ride. Wonwoo nudges him, concern laced in his cat-like eyes, but Soonyoung knows that it’s all a show, “You good?”

Soonyoung smiles meekly, bringing a hand in front of his face to block out the sun. Catching glimpses of sights around him, Soonyoung supposes that today shouldn’t be as bad as he’s making it out to be. He’s there with his brother and his friends, so Soonyoung decides to try and have fun. After all, all his friends did go an extra mile to make him feel at home, again. A chord of sadness strikes Soonyoung in the chest, and all he can do is send a silent prayer to the sky above him, hoping that this time, the cycle will end and he won’t have to leave again next spring. 

“I can hear you thinking from here, Soonyoung. Stop it. Now come ride this ride with us.”

Peering up at the rollercoaster, Soonyoung’s face drains of color. Suddenly, Jeonghan and Joshua’s plan makes sense to him and seriously? The purpose of this whole day is to get Soonyoung to face his fear of heights? Soonyoung curses, knowing he should’ve trusted his instincts on to _never_ trust the evil twins again. He’s glued in his spot, swallowing the anxiety in his throat and shaking his head. Listening to the sounds of people losing their minds as the drop of the rollercoaster pummels them 100 feet down makes Soonyoung feel sick to his stomach. Watching every turn makes Soonyoung dizzy, and metals scraping against one another as a spark of speed follows has Soonyoung backing up and turning away from his friends. Jeonghan’s screaming at him to come back and Soonyoung faintly hears footsteps trailing after him though the blood rushing to his head. Jeonghan’s yells die down and the footsteps stop almost as fast as they started. Soonyoung bumps into something, and his head spins with how angry the object is. 

“What the fuck? Watch where you’re going, idiot!”

Blindsided by the sheer surprise that the object is speaking, Soonyoung is at a loss of words. It takes a full second for his vision to focus and realize that the object speaking is _not_ an object at all but instead it’s in the form of Lee Jihoon. Spluttering on words, he glares at his classmate and rolls his eyes.

“Oh, sorry about that, hyung. I’m sure Jihoon-hyung is too, right?”

Mingyu jabs Jihoon in the side and Jihoon hisses at the boy, crossing his arms and pursing his lips into a thin, tight line. Soonyoung scoffs, because of course, Jihoon isn’t sorry. He’s only known him for a day and he’s served him once, but he already knows Jihoon is disrespectful and rude. Soonyoung’s blood boils, and he’s praying to every entity and deity that they will give him the strength to put up with Jihoon. 

“I’m sure he isn’t. Anyways, it’s fine, Mingyu. I’ll just go back to my friends, enjoy your day. I’ll just-”

Spinning around on his heels, Soonyoung is immediately spun back around from the force of five figures trampling over him. Witnessing the encounter, Seungcheol rushes over to Soonyoung’s side, asking him if he’s okay. Shrugging, Soonyoung says he’s fine. Turning away from Jihoon and his friends, he goes to walk away again, but again, Jeonghan won’t let him live and Soonyoung hates how nosy his older friend is. Sticking his head over Soonyoung’s shoulder, Jeonghan gasps, which to anyone it would come off as genuine curiosity, but to anyone who knew Yoon Jeonghan could see through his act.

“And who is this, Soonyoungie? Were you going to ditch us for your new friends?”

As if on cue, Soonyoung and Jihoon stared down at one another and snarled their teeth and crossed their arms, “We’re not friends.” 

Everyone’s jaw drops at the utter hostility in the air among them. It was out of character for Soonyoung to hold such contempt for anybody. Nodding their heads towards the two college students, nobody dared to say a word. Seokmin is the only one brave enough to break the stunned silence, “This is awkward. But, uh, I’m Lee Seokmin. The tall one is Kim Mingyu and that one,” Seokmin hesitates, pointing to Jihoon, “is Lee Jihoon.”

Joshua leans forward to introduce himself and everyone else on their behalf, “I’m Hong Jisoo or Joshua, whatever you prefer. That one is Yoon Jeonghan. The one who looks bored is Jeon Wonwoo and next to him is Wen Junhui. He’s from China. This is Soonyoung’s older brother, Kwon Seungcheol and well, I guess you already know Soonyoung.” 

Bowing to one another, the group’s atmosphere feels almost lighter until Junhui, overcome with the desire to know why Jihoon and Soonyoung hate one another, asks how they know Soonyoung. Mingyu lets out an audible _ahhh_ in understanding.

“Oh, yeah. We went to Namyangju over the weekend and ended up at his work. He was the one who served us.”

Wonwoo’s eyes flash in recognition and points his fingers in the air at no one in particular, “That’s right! I thought you looked familiar. I’m the manager of the place.”

And just like that, the tension in the air is gone. Everybody falls into a rhythm of familiarity and comfortability, bonding over coffee and culinary art as if they have known each other for years. Soonyoung and Jihoon remain stiff, ignoring each other’s existence. Both boys know it’s a bad sign at how well their friends are getting along. Their suspicions are confirmed when Jeonghan suggests that they spend the day together. Even when Jihoon and Soonyoung yell the loudest they ever have in refusal, their words fall on deaf ears as their friends merge and stand in line to the rollercoaster together. 

As their turn to get on the ride inches closer, Soonyoung grows increasingly more anxious. Jihoon peeks an eye open, his frown still evident on his face. Jihoon doesn’t even try to hide his irritation, his patience wearing thin from the busy environment and it doesn’t help that Soonyoung is added into the mix. Something about Soonyoung irritates Jihoon, and he’s sure that the feeling is mutual.

“Stop moving around like some sort of dog. You’re pissing me off.”

Soonyoung scoffs at the shorter male, “Fuck you, asshole. You can leave if you want, please. No one is stopping you.”

Jihoon blinks at Soonyoung’s rebuttal, and he’s never felt more livid, “You know what, you shit, I can’t stand you. I can’t believe we got partnered up.”

“It’s just my luck that I got placed with the rudest person on this Earth.”

Their friends are silent, witnessing the boys arguing, and suddenly, everything makes sense to them. Jihoon and Soonyoung are in each other’s philosophy class, though it doesn’t make sense why they hate each other so much. They met formally only yesterday, yet they already want to bite each other’s heads off. Jeonghan sighs, huddling up to Joshua and Seungcheol just a little bit closer. By the time it’s their turn, Soonyoung and Jihoon still want nothing to do with each other. Joshua, Seungcheol, and Joshua partner up while Seokmin, Wonwoo, and Mingyu squeeze themselves into the seats made for three. Junhui pities Soonyoung and offers to ride with them, but Junhui doesn’t feel that bad to sit in between them. With Soonyoung sandwiched in the middle, the ride takes off. At the drop, Soonyoung braces himself and catches Jihoon’s eyes. Both of them are nervous, but Soonyoung still finds it in him to irk the other. 

Soonyoung smirks, “You scared, Jihoonie?”

Jihoon’s nose scrunches, “Don’t call me that. Fuck you.”

It’s as if something in that moment had changed, because it’s then that the rollercoaster dangles off the edge for a split second, and then both of their hearts are caught in their throat as their eyes shut. Unbeknownst to the two of them, their fingers interlock and bodies curl up into each other for comfort. They stay like that for the rest of the ride, and if anyone notices how close Jihoon and Soonyoung were when they exited their seats, nobody says a word. 

On the way home, Seungcheol cranks up the radio, eyes lighting up when he hears the next song that’s playing. Soonyoung recognizes the voice, and he knows it’s Seungcheol’s favorite singer. Though the singer’s identity remains hidden, he’s quite popular in South Korea. Seungcheol squeals, clapping his hands and singing along to _Woozi’s_ latest track. Soonyoung admits that Woozi is a genius, his songs are filled with so much passion that anyone can hear the pain in his voice. 

Soonyoung wakes up to his phone vibrating against the car door, causing Seungcheol to stir next to him. He looks around the car, Jeonghan is still driving, focused on the road through tired eyes. Joshua is leaning against the window of the front seat, playing Subway Surfers. Wonwoo and Junhui are tangled into one another, asleep. Yawning, he sees a text from an unknown number. Saving the number into his phone after reading the message, he scoffs.

**From: Kim Mingyu  
22:35**

**_Hey, hyung. It’s Mingyu. Sorry about Jihoon-hyung. He’s cold, but he’s a good person if you get to know him_**.

**To: Kim Mingyu  
22:37**

**_yeah, okay. i’ll believe it when i see it_**.

**From: Kim Mingyu  
22:38**

**_Just give him a chance, please. You have to work with him anyways. Besides, Minnie and I really like you and your friends_**.

Soonyoung sighs. He knows Mingyu is right, but he can’t bring himself to see Jihoon in any other light. It’s been 24 hours since he had his first conversation with Jihoon, and Soonyoung already regrets moving to Seoul. The shorter man doesn’t sit right with him, but Soonyoung is willing to try just as he’s always had to do. He sighs again, giving the shorter boy the benefit of the doubt and hoping that Jihoon cooperates with him.

**To: Kim Mingyu  
22:45**

**_sure, gyu. as long as jihoon can do it too.  
good night_**.

**From: Kim Mingyu  
22:45**

**_Yes! Thank you hyung, I’ll talk to him.  
Good night_**.

Though the car ride home is only an hour, it feels as if it dragged on for hours. Once Jeonghan parks into the driveway, Soonyoung is already racing up the stairs and launching himself into the sheets of his bed. Seungcheol slowly joins him, flipping off the light and resorting to the LED lights that hang over their heads, star-shaped colorful hues lulling him to sleep within seconds. Soonyoung turns on his side, thinking back to Mingyu’s text message. His lips go dry as the image of Jihoon pops into his head, and something in his mind tells him that he’s missing something. He gets the sudden urge to take a second listen to words he never thought he’d need to hear. Plugging in his airpods, Soonyoung goes to Spotify and plays Woozi’s song. His chest feels cold as he listens to the lyrics, his own heart breaking for the singer he has never met. Soonyoung falls asleep, Woozi’s lyrics engraved in his brain and his song on loop, but the image of Jihoon remains.

Miles and miles away, Jihoon, too, falls into a fitful, restless sleep as his fears consume him. He doesn’t know that when Soonyoung pops into his nightmare for a mere second, he sleeps soundly that night as his fears dissipate. His nightmare becomes a dream, and for the first time, Jihoon is at peace. 

The next morning, Soonyoung awakes to his alarm. Throwing the duvet off of him, he groggily steps into the bathroom to get ready for his morning class. He thinks over his schedule in his head for a quick moment, and Soonyoung groans at the fact that he has to see Jihoon today. Brushing his teeth, he tries to come to terms that he really is stuck with Jihoon until he graduates. Shrugging on a green t-shirt squeezing into black jeans, he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. He squirms, fidgeting at the image he sees. He’s twelve years old again. He’s a boy who had to give up his own life for the sake of his brother’s survival. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he pulls on his blue denim jacket over his frame and slings his backpack over his shoulder as he heads to the first class of the day.

Soonyoung carries his feet to his next class, his mind still reeling over what his psychology professor had begun teaching - trauma. It brings a shiver down Soonyoung’s spine, the topic sending him on the brink of remembering a memory he worked hard to repress. Jihoon makes a sound of disgust when he lays his eyes on Soonyoung, but Soonyoung is too out of it to retaliate. Jihoon huffs, pulling his notebook from his backpack and tracing the eraser he never gave back to Soonyoung. 

“Okay class, as you know the project I assigned on Monday is about dreams. For your homework, it’s simple. I just want you to spend this entire week getting to know your partner. Go on a date, study with them, eat with them, I really don’t care. Just do it. By the end of this week, I’ll know if you did it based on the aura of the classroom.”

Mrs. Song, pleased with the lack of verbal protests from her students, begins a new lecture on introspection and the method of keeping a clear mind when faced with situations that cause distress. Soonyoung almost bursts out laughing at the irony of her entire lecture, because shit, the whole situation with Jihoon stresses him out. Keeping his head down, Soonyoung mindlessly takes notes and tries his best to concentrate on anything but Jihoon. As soon as the bell rings, Soonyoung is zooming out of the classroom and moving onto the next. Jihoon’s eyes follow Soonyoung’s figure, rolling his eyes and stomping away to the cafeteria in the opposite direction. His movements fall short when he sees Soonyoung is already there, with _his_ friends. Sure, Soonyoung’s friends are there too, but that’s not what Jihoon is concerned about.

“Why are you here?”

“I didn’t know I couldn’t have friends of my own or eat in peace.”

Mingyu sends a warning to Jihoon, and Jihoon sighs. He remembers the talk Mingyu had with him last night, but there’s no way in hell Soonyoung can come here and steal his friends. Jihoon doesn’t answer, but he bites his tongue to refrain himself from insulting Soonyoung whenever the latter throws his head back whenever he laughs or talks a little too loudly. Jihoon eats in silence, isolating himself from reality and willing himself to lean just a little bit closer to the table whenever Soonyoung speaks.

It’s not long until Junhui, Seokmin, Mingyu, Wonwoo, Soonyoung, and Jihoon have to break apart as they head on to their next class. The four breathe a sigh of relief to be free of the tense environment that clouds Jihoon and Soonyoung. Unfortunately for the two, Soonyoung and Jihoon’s next classes are in the same building, forcing them to walk together, but as far away as they can get. Walking on opposite sides of the hallway, Soonyoung decides to suck it up and try to talk to Jihoon. They have to start somewhere, he supposes. 

“Hey, Jihoon.. What class are you going to right now?”

Jihoon sports a bored expression on his face, and it’s such a common occurrence at this point that Soonyoung expects nothing less. 

“Music Composition and Song, not that it’s any of your business.”

Soonyoung sighs, Mingyu’s words echoing in his head. He shakes his head, more to himself than Jihoon, disappointed. Soonyoung can’t do it. Jihoon is making this too hard. The thought is cut short when Jihoon speaks again, catching Soonyoung off-guard at Jihoon’s attempt of returning the effort.

“What class do you have next?”

Soonyoung, eyes wide and breathless from the fact that _wow, okay, maybe we’re getting somewhere_. 

“Dance and Musical Arts Appreciation.” 

Jihoon snorts but doesn’t follow through with a snarky remark. Their conversation ends there, but Jihoon and Soonyoung feel a little lighter anyways. Even as Soonyoung gets into position and Jihoon is analyzing the musical style of Mozart, both of their hearts beat in sync for what they, unknowningly, hope for the start of a beautiful, blossoming friendship.

**_"as time goes by,  
my attitude towards everything is whatever  
i'm sick of trivial hangouts and conversations  
i don't like having to live up  
to other people's expectations  
all of it just piles up  
all the phone numbers i don't call  
just pile up, pile up  
it piles up when i don't want it to_ **

_**this cursed popularity,  
why won't it go away?  
but why am i getting lonelier?  
cold early morning wind makes me  
even more lonely today  
i feel empty, like i am empty**_...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess the song lyrics ;) it's the same song soonyoung had on loop and that was playing on the radio in jeonghan's car. 
> 
> this seems like there's no plot BUT next chapter will be more jihoon centric and it'll be a bit of a time rewind, if that makes any sense. i swear jihoon is a dick but for good reason
> 
> twt: @glowingji
> 
> unedited xx let me know ur thoughts!


	5. inner demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_mágoa: (noun)_ **
> 
> _**a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions**_.

Jihoon runs up to his mother, arms tight around her legs. He tells her about his first day of school via missing teeth and slurred syllables. He tells her all about how he was the only one in the class who knew how to write in cursive and he raised his hand to answer every question. She kisses her son’s head, scooping him up in her arms and spinning him. He giggles, squirming against her hold. Mrs. Lee’s eyes twinkle, staring down at her greatest treasure.

“Eomma is so proud of you, Jihoon-ah. Do you want ice cream?”

She smiles down at her son, placing him back on the floor and intertwining their fingers. Jihoon skips happily next to her, screaming the ice cream song at the top of his lungs and not minding the strange looks the other pedestrians give him as they cross the street. Mrs. Lee ruffles Jihoon’s hair, running her index finger along the curve of Jihoon’s cupid bow.

”Eomma loves you so much, Jihoon-ah. Eomma loves you so much. I’ll always keep you safe, you’re her greatest prize.”

Watching her son in front of her, her heart swells with pride and she knows it’s one of the many beautiful things about a mother’s love. Jihoon tugs on her wrist, pulling her forward to reach the ice cream shop faster. Mrs. Lee shakes her head, laughing along with her son and trying to get him to slow down.

" _Eomma loves you so much, Jihoon-ah_...”

No matter how many cups of coffee Jihoon has, it doesn’t seem to keep him awake enough for him to focus. He’s frustrated and angry. He wants nothing more than to just finish the song and get some rest. A part of Jihoon is glad nobody knows who Woozi is, it gives him the privacy to do his own thing without having to share it in the limelight. Another part of him is tired of hiding, but Jihoon supposes that it’s better if nobody knew. A chord in Jihoon is struck, and Jihoon shakes himself out of whatever funk he is in. A wave of melancholia washes over him, and every mistake he’s ever made comes flooding into his brain. Plucking his phone from on top of the stack of papers on his desk, he answers without even looking at the caller ID. 

“What?”

Jihoon hisses, wrenching his phone away from his ears, “What the fuck, you need to calm down, Min.”

“Sorry, hyung, but Gyu and I are bored, you wanna get some food with us?”

Glancing at the clock on the wall, Jihoon wants to say no. Sure, he’s hungry, but he’s a busy man with busy things to do. He figures there’s no use in lying, so he flat-out refuses. It doesn’t matter, though, Seokmin and Mingyu are already pulling him out of his studio and onto the streets of Seoul city. The trio approaches a restaurant, it’s only about twenty minutes by foot from Jihoon’s studio. 

The scent of Chinese noodles fill Jihoon’s senses, sighing and his stomach grumbles in his ears. Jihoon stops in his tracks once he sees a table full of college kids that he knows. He doesn’t really care for the students, but it’s one person in particular that Jihoon minds. Mingyu and Seokmin can tell Jihoon is annoyed despite the neutral expression on his face. Hoping for the best, the two sit down and Jihoon is about to follow suit until he realizes that the only empty seat is next to Kwon Soonyoung. Soonyoung, without even looking up at him and not taking a break from slurping, just sighs and motions him to sit down. 

Everything goes smoothly, much to everyone’s surprise. Jihoon and Soonyoung haven’t said a single word to one another, but they suppose that that’s better than them spitting down each other’s throats. Reaching for another bowl, Jihoon doesn’t say anything but he’s listening. Jihoon looks around the small restaurant, eyes flitting across every detail. His pupils focus on the corner of the room where a mother is with her child. He watches as the woman caresses her child’s face, smiling bright and beautifully. Jihoon gets an uneasy feeling in his chest, settling and shifting in his veins spreading across his ribcage before finally nestling deep into his heart. 

Jihoon adjusts his position on the chair, quiet and fiddling with his chopsticks. He looks up once more, eyes finding the corner of the room more easily this time and watches. A deep pang hits him as the woman kisses away her child’s tears. Inhaling sharply, Jihoon coughs and brings a hand to his chest. He laughs, wondering how everything was fine one second, and then the next, Jihoon feels like the entire world is closing in on him. Closing his eyes, he sees his mother’s face. 

_She’s out with Jihoon at the park, keeping her eyes on him as he is swinging on the swings. Jihoon kicks harder than he should’ve, and being only five years old, he loses his balance and falls off the swing. His mother rushes to his side, and for a second, Jihoon feels his tears dry. The next moment, his mother is yanking him from the ground and pushing him into the car. Overcome with the pain from his knees, Jihoon cries and cries and cries. Once their home comes into view, Jihoon is grabbed by his hair and dragged into his room. Jihoon cries as his mother throws him into the corner, but it only makes her more irate. She says nothing, but the fury in her eyes speaks louder than words in Jihoon’s eyes_.

“ _Eomma- it hurts_!”

_Mrs. Lee screams, smacking him over and over and projecting all her anger onto her son. Despite Jihoon’s wails and begging for his mother to stop, she only gets more irritated with him and hits him harder_. 

“ _Shut up! You think I want to do this? It’s your fault, Jihoon! It’s your fault for being so reckless! All you do is fuck up, it’s your fault! Eomma loves you so much, so she has to do this. Stop moving_!”

_After beating her son blue, Jihoon runs out of tears. He hiccups through the trauma, begging her to stop until his throat is raw and until he can’t anymore. Smiling down at Jihoon’s tear-streaked face, his mother pets Jihoon on the hair and kisses his forehead. His mother frowns when he flinches away from her, but he lets his mother shower him in love as a way to apologize for her actions. Though she tucks Jihoon into bed that same night, the way he sees his mother shifts into a different light. He falls into a regretful sleep, his mother’s words echoing in his head and the burn of his skin wherever she has touched still tingling_. 

_But Jihoon loves her, and he deserves the punishment. After the first time, Jihoon isn’t quite the same, but he forgives. He’s five years old when his youth ends and his perception of the world shatters_. 

That was the first time it ever happened, but it still reminds Jihoon that that memory is forever engraved in his brain, no matter how many years have passed. He’ll never forget that moment and how it made him feel, how it _still_ makes him feel. He learned that nobody is invincible, no matter how much you think you are. He learns that parents are deceiving and having fun is a crime. That was the first time, and though it left Jihoon with a permanent scar, he was still too young to know just how much he would be left with. But Jihoon is an adult now, he’s old enough to know what it means. It was the first touch to Jihoon, but it is enough to outweigh every memory of his childhood. 

_Childhood_ , it leaves a sour, foul taste on his tongue. That memory that Jihoon recalls just moments ago was the first time Jihoon began to see his mother in a new light. He can still _feel_ his mother’s hands on his skin, grip so tight around his throat that his vocal cords were almost crushed. Jihoon can still _hear_ how loud his screams were, begging for his father to save him and for his mother to stop. Jihoon can still _see_ his father turning a blind eye, shutting the door to his bedroom to drown out the sounds of his only child being torn apart by the only woman he has ever loved. He learns that his father is a coward, and for that, Jihoon hates him more than his mother. 

By now, Jihoon feels sick and the room has faded out to static. His plate remains untouched, growing colder and colder with every second that passes. Picking up on his unusual silence, Mingyu nudges Jihoon’s shoulder as he finishes his third plate of kung pao chicken and rice. 

“Aren’t you gonna eat that?”

Jihoon shrugs, “I’m not hungry.”

Gesturing to Jihoon’s plate where he hardly made a dent, Mingyu eyes it with such vigor that Jihoon almost gags. He pushes it away, offering it to Mingyu, who happily accepts it and shovels it into his mouth within a matter of seconds. The atmosphere around Jihoon falls silent once more, his ears ringing and Jihoon is sucked into his memories once more. 

_Jihoon is seven years old now, a clumsy first-grader with two missing teeth and perfect milky white, pale skin. Rough hands are on his shoulders, and Jihoon is still much too young to know what’s happening to him, but he knows the situation all too well. His flight instincts activate, and Jihoon kicks to hell and back. Watching his mother walking away from him, he chases after her. He grabs at her skirt, pleading with her to not leave him_. 

“ _Eomma, please don’t do this! Eomma! Please, don’t leave me_!”

_Prying his small fists from her skirt, she bends down to his level, kissing his head and whispering a soft apology to her son, “I’ll come back for you later, Jihoon. Be good_.”

“ _Eomma, I don’t want to! Please, I’ll be good, I’m sorry, please come back, I don’t like this_!”

_Guiding him back to her friends, she pats him on the back and sighs. Her eyes meet with each and everyone of her friends, a small smile playing on her lips. Pulling money out of her purse, she hands it to them and makes a peace sign. Kissing Jihoon on the head before she leaves him in the hands of strangers. Mrs. Lee should feel even an inkling of pity for her son, but she doesn’t. She supposes it should tell her something is wrong, but she only feels relief_.

“ _Take care of him, boys. Go easy on him, he is my greatest creation after all. I’ll come back in the morning_.”

_Jihoon is seven years old when he watches his mother leave him again. It’s more than Jihoon can count, but it’s then that he realizes that the cracking in his ears isn’t the sound of the whip lashing at his skin, it’s his heart_. 

That was the second time, but it still haunts Jihoon years later. Jihoon chokes on the memory, reminiscing on the taste and the smell of his blood lining the sheets and on his tongue. Rough, coarse hands tug hard enough at his scalp to rip out follicles and bring Jihoon to tears. Whenever he was shoved onto his knees and forced to open his mouth, the pain only increased. Jihoon was too young to know what it meant, but he’s 21 years old now. No matter how many times he tries to repress it, he still tries to keep distance between himself and those who can hurt him. Jihoon can’t handle tiny touches, no matter how badly he wants to be taken care of and loved. Having someone else look at him and put their hands on him brings back unwanted emotions. The second time Jihoon’s heart broke, he tolerated it because he still loves his mother. Jihoon is never the same, losing innocence far too quickly. Jihoon is seven years old when he loses himself to the darkness and the image of the world is distorted. 

Jihoon is brought back to reality when an arm is slung over his shoulders. Jihoon tilts his head up, locking eyes with Junhui. The feeling makes Jihoon sick all over again, the fingerprints on his skin when he was seven still fresh in his mind. A quick picture flashes in his brain, and for a second, Junhui’s face morphs into his mother’s. Jihoon shudders, anxiety rising in his chest and insecurities cracking Jihoon’s defenses. 

He shrugs Junhui off, giving him a death glare and putting some distance between the two. After all, he was one of Kwon’s and Jihoon would be damned if he let himself be comfortable with one of his many, many friends. His friends were more tolerable, but it was the fact that their loyalties lied with Kwon Soonyoung that was unacceptable. Sensing Jihoon’s discomfort, Junhui doesn’t put his arm around his shoulders again. 

Raising his hands up, Junhui motions to the group in front of them. Everyone was done eating and was lining up to discuss where to go next. Observing the way everyone was smiling and laughing, he wonders why he couldn’t feel the same. Jihoon sees the joy in everyone’s eyes, getting along like they had been friends forever and truly enjoying each and everyone's company. Jihoon’s insides stir, jealousy and bile rising up in his throat because _how can anyone be happy like this_? He was no longer being touched, and Jihoon’s lungs were clearer, but the lurking imprint on Jihoon’s body remained. His heart heavy in his chest, Jihoon stalks off, trailing after people he barely knew in a body that didn’t feel like his. 

The next morning, Jihoon barely scrapes by into his seat with a minute to spare. Riddled with dark eye bags and a weak aura surrounding him, his energy is depleted and soft. Soonyoung raises a brow at Jihoon, but Jihoon doesn’t have the energy to tell him off. Soonyoung thinks it’s absolutely strange, but he doesn’t complain as he indulges in Jihoon’s silence. Whatever funk the composer is in, Soonyoung thanks the gods for how quiet Jihoon is for the whole class period. 

It’s been thirty minutes into lecture, and Jihoon can’t stop drumming his black pen on his desk. Soonyoung’s eye twitches as he counts to three, watching the pen come into contact with the wooden desk for the umpteenth time. Soonyoung grabs his hand, wrapping slender fingers around Jihoon’s fist. Tired eyes meet ones laced with concern, but Jihoon feels anger surging into his veins. Shrugging off Soonyoung’s gaze, he yanks his hand away and shoves them into his pocket. Pulling his hood over his head tighter, Jihoon dissociates from reality and slips back into a time where he wishes he could forget. 

_At twelve years old, Jihoon never thought his heart could break even more. Standing in the shadow of the house that never felt like home, he hides beneath the stairs, watching and waiting. Listening to screams filling his ears, bouncing off the walls and resonating through the air, shards of glass represent the family Jihoon never wanted. Frantic words spill from his father’s mouth, pleading with his wife to not turn around and leave. The woman merely smiles, twisted and calculated, empty promises lingering on her lips_. 

“ _I can’t stand this anymore. You two are pathetic, and you hold me back_.” 

_Hands wrap around her wrist, begging and filled with anguish, “We can work this out, I promise. I can change, Jihoon is just a child, please just let him be_.” 

_Jihoon stumbles back with the force of her words, tears trailing down his cheeks. Out of all the words his mother has said, and out of all the blows she has laid on him, this moment destroys him the most, beating him down and crushing his bones underneath the tremendous weight. His heart shatters in his chest, pain flashing in his core and spreading through his blood. Crashing onto the floor, Jihoon screams his lungs out as he watches his mother slam the front door behind her, his father hot on her trail. Leaving him alone with her words heavy on his heart, Jihoon, for the first time, realizes that he was never home_. 

“ _I can’t stand that wretched child, all he does is mess up. He’s weak, and no blood of mine will be weak. I don’t love him, I wish he was never born_!” 

_A slap bounces off the walls, fury in Jihoon’s father’s orbs, and Jihoon’s mother laughs. She caresses her bruised cheek, laughing and laughing until her sides hurt. Sucking in a breath, she points a finger towards her husband, challenging and irresistible_. 

_Tracing a finger along her husband’s jawline, she leans in and whispers into his ear, “If he can’t be what I wish him to be, I’ll make him into it. He will never escape me. He will never get out_.” 

_Lee Jihoon is twelve years old when he realizes that the soil the house is built upon and the foundation of the Lee walls were never meant to keep him safe. He’s twelve years old when his heart breaks for the third time, and he swears it’ll be the last_. 

Once the bell rings, Jihoon almost misses it, breaking him out of his head and bringing him back into a world where everything is not as it seems. Tiny fists wrap around his backpack, placing every paper and utensil into their respective spots. Zipping up the last of his heart, Jihoon wobbles out of Mrs. Song’s classroom on shaky knees and a deep weight on his shoulders. Soonyoung follows, watching Jihoon’s figure disappear down the hallway and into the swarm of bodies in the dining hall. A tug of Soonyoung’s heart tells him that something is wrong, and he almost prefers Jihoon’s bitching and complaints rather than silence. As Jihoon dawns closer and closer to the table with people he was forced into knowing, he slips into the corner, plugging in his airpods and shutting out the world. Drowning out the buzz of people chattering and the mixed aromas of different foods, Jihoon taps away on his phone. A sudden chord in Jihoon is struck, and melancholia and heartbreak fill his senses, yearning and wishing for anything to numb the pain. He reverts back to the memory from less than ten minutes ago, and he lets himself feel. The heartbreak is still evident. It’s vivid and bright in his brain, but the pain is dull. Jihoon supposes that dull pain hurts even more than the first time because Jihoon can never get those times back. Back when he was younger and happier, it was brief, but it was there. By now, Jihoon is used to feeling worthless and broken. Years of insecurities and regrets do that to a person, he supposes.

He looks up at the people he calls friends, but his heart has never felt more empty. No one catches onto his silence, too engrossed in their own world that they fail to notice the other’s misery. He watches Seokmin and Junhui share a bento box, laughing and free. He watches Wonwoo brush off the taller boy in front of him, but the sparkle in his eye tells Jihoon that maybe the bookworm doesn’t mind the company after all. An unfamiliar twinge swells in his chest, a foreign sensation that Jihoon can’t pinpoint. Swallowing the lump in his throat, the wall around Jihoon’s heart adds another brick. A chime sounds in his ears, cutting off the static in his ears for a split second. 

**From: Kwon Soonyoung  
13:34**

_**dude, u ok? u’ve been looking like ur cat died all day**_.

Snorting at the message, Jihoon’s temper gets the best of him, fingers flying across the keypad. Before he can even think about what he’s saying, his phone dings almost immediately after his reply is sent.

**From: Kwon Soonyoung  
13:35**

_**fuck, whtevr, jihoon  
just wanted to check in on u.  
but i see ur still an asshole so i’ll leave u to it**_.

Sitting up straighter, Jihoon leaves the message on read and locks it. He sneaks away from the scene as quietly as he can, but he knows it doesn’t matter anyways as everyone didn’t know he was even there with them in the first place. Walking through the campus halls, Jihoon goes through the open doors that lead him outside. He runs until his feet can’t anymore, his lungs burning in his chest and his knees weak. Blinking back unwanted tears, he shuts his eyes and perches himself underneath a shaded tree. With the thought of his mother in his mind, years of grief and years of wondering why he was chosen to suffer circulating in his brain, Jihoon detaches from his reality once more as he shuts down, slipping into his haunting endeavors. 

_Jihoon’s excitement dies down into his throat, eyes flickering and dimming to match the despair rising in his chest. His mother’s fingers are tender and soft on his skin, but her touch lacks the warmth that brings comfort. Mrs. Lee traces her son’s jawline, nails scraping against his pale skin and digging into his scalp. Forcing Jihoon’s head straight, his eyes meet his own reflection. His stomach churns, following his mother’s outlining of his skin as if he were a painting. He swallows the lump in his throat, the coldness in his heart intense and burning as a constant reminder that he’s alone. Jihoon shivers underneath his mother’s lips, a quiet whisper onto his ears, but words thick and unmistakable on her tongue_. 

“ _Jihoon-ah… Eomma has told you this before, but you never listen. What did I say about who you let into your life_?”

“ _Eomma, please… I trust him, he loves me. He-_ ”

_A shrill laugh pierces the air, cutting Jihoon deep into the core. Jihoon’s mother opens the drawer, pulling out a golden hairbrush. Stroking her child’s hair, petting at him and marveling in how pretty her son looks. She coos, threading slim fingers into his dark locks. She clicks her tongue, tsking at her son’s naivety, shaking her head and running the bristles along Jihoon’s neck_.

“ _He doesn’t, Jihoon-ah. Nobody loves you except for me. You can’t trust anybody except me. I’m the only one who can give you what you need_.”

_Jihoon’s brown orbs flicker one last time, fluttering into defeat, broken words spiraling into his ears. Mrs. Lee dabs at Jihoon’s cheeks, wiping away his tears, shushing his cries and adjusting his back straighter_.

“ _Don’t cry, Jihoon-ah. Never show them how much it hurts, you are not weak. You will never be weak_.”

_He flinches under her stare, arms coming up to shield his face as his mother’s palm comes up. She smiles, kissing her son on the cheek. Mrs. Lee assures her son that she would never hurt him and she loves him more than anything and anyone_. 

“ _You’re my greatest creation, Jihoon-ah. Eomma loves you so much_.”

_The bristles of the hairbrush dig painfully into his scalp, but his mother’s hold on his chin is so strong that he can’t jerk away. Her gaze in the mirror burns bright, challenging and searching for any signs of misalignment. Jihoon is fourteen years old when he wills his tears away, steeling his heart for what comes next. He sucks in a breath, pupils clouded and resigned when he closes them, but when they open again, his orbs are clear and empty. Jihoon propels himself into a shadow, letting his memories flood over him and surround him. The next time Jihoon’s mother touches him, he feels nothing at all_. 

Soonyoung fidgets in his seat, his leg bouncing in erratic tempos as a coldness creeps upon his spine. It’s the third time this week that Jihoon has left in the middle of their hangouts. Sure, Mingyu mentioned before that Jihoon has never been one for social settings, but something doesn’t sit right with him. Whenever they’re in class, Jihoon doesn’t even spare Soonyoung a moment. He doesn’t steal any of his erasers, he doesn’t insult Soonyoung, and Jihoon doesn’t quip back whenever a student accidentally gets too close to him or if Soonyoung mocks him. Soonyoung is unusually quiet. As more days pass and Jihoon continues to behave unlike his character, the more Soonyoung is unsettled by the sudden shift. Wonwoo raises his eyebrow at his best friend, attention breaking from Mingyu for one second as he leans over to whisper into the lively cafeteria. Snaking a hand onto Soonyoung’s right thigh, squeezing once, firm but nurturing. 

“Are you okay, Soons?” 

Seokmin, Mingyu, and Junhui turn their heads towards the pair, conversations cutting off and interests piqued. Soonyoung shrugs, twirling his fork on his plate and pushing around the lettuce of his salad. The boys are silent, waiting for Soonyoung to open up, careful and patient. The noise of students drown out Soonyoung’s voice, but the four of them strain their ears enough to catch it. 

“I don’t know, but hasn’t Jihoon been.. I don’t know, different?”

Seokmin giggles, “Hyung, that’s just Jihoon-hyung. He’s aloof and he has a bad temper, but you shouldn’t let his words get to you.”

“No, that’s not it. In fact, he hasn’t said anything to me all week.”

Junhui shrugs, popping a jalapeño pepper into his mouth, “He’s probably busy, Soon. Besides, you should be relieved, don’t you guys hate each other?” 

Though the atmosphere among the five boys are lighter, Soonyoung can’t pinpoint the root of the sinking feeling in his body. Wonwoo and Mingyu fall into their weird dynamic again, one-sided conversations and feigning annoyance while Seokmin and Junhui play games on the Chinese boy’s phone and split another plate of pizza. Soonyoung doesn’t feel any better. All he can think about Jihoon, but he doesn’t follow after the shorter boy. Watching Jihoon’s retreating figure, the space between him and Jihoon grows and Soonyoung has never felt more confused. He sighs into his palm, stabbing his fork into his pasta and drowning out the voices in his head that tell him to go after his classmate.

It’s a Friday night, and Jihoon has been in his head all week. He’s angry, sad, and empty all at the same time. Years of suppressed emotions and memories are resurfacing, and Jihoon is tired. He’s tired of the constant reminders that his mother took away every part of himself before he could even get the chance to have and understand it. He’s tired of the inevitable numbness he feels whenever he remembers, a routine that leaves him believing that time does nothing to heal wounds. He’s tired of the voices in his head telling him to let go and succumb to what his mother spent her life trying to make him out to be. Muttering to himself, Jihoon stretches his legs farther with every step. 

His friends are at Soonyoung’s place, drowning in alcohol and fried chicken tonight. Jihoon pulls his phone out of his pocket, turning it on after hours of not using it. It was a weak attempt to get people to leave to him alone and stuck with his thoughts by himself. His phone buzzes in quick succession, and Jihoon, fully sober, has half the mind to open them. 

**From: Kim Mingyu  
22:40**

_**Hyung, are you not coming**_?

**From: Lee Seokmin  
22:47**

_**jihoon-hyung :(  
you better not be working on a song tonight**_!

Jihoon’s eyebrow quirks, opening messages from people he would least expect them from. He supposes he appreciates the efforts, but Jihoon feels resentment towards them, knowing that they only put up with Jihoon because Kwon Soonyoung is their ray of sunshine. A part of him is alarmed at how they even got his number - he could have sworn that he never gives his number out to anybody, really. But in the end, Jihoon doesn’t care. His chest fills with an inkling of unfamiliar warmth, but it’s still strange to him all the same.

**From: Hong Jisoo  
22:53**

_**whenever you’re ready, jihoon**_!

**From: Yoon Jeonghan  
22:59**

**_where are you my baby :(  
i took roll call but one of my own is missing!  
please come home and eat dinner with us_**.

**From: Wen Junhui  
23:05**

**_jihoon, where are you?  
come to sy’s place asap  
we’re all worried man _**..

**From: Jeon Wonwoo  
23:16**

**_I get the feeling you’re ignoring us, and that’s fine. Just let us know if you’re okay_**.

**From: Kwon Soonyoung  
23:25**

__**where r u? ur missing the fun!**  
_**jihoon, if you don’t pick up in 5 minutes, i swear**_  
_**fuck it**_.

After the third time his phone blows up, his shrill ringtone piercing the air, he doesn’t miss a beat to pick up the phone. Soonyoung’s voice booms from the other side, louder than anything in the background. The line shuffles, Soonyoung shushing all of his friends and soon, the noise dies down and Jihoon can hear the crisp of Soonyoung’s voice and the crunching of fallen leaves. 

“Jihoon, are you okay? You didn’t show up, but you still can-”

Irate and exhausted, Jihoon snaps, his walls built back up within a matter of seconds, “Fuck off, Soonyoung. I don’t want to go.”

“And that’s fine, Jihoon. You should’ve just said so, we’re worried about you.”

“Who said I wanted you to? It’s not anyone’s business what I do or where I am.”

“Ji, don’t be like this, can’t we just get along? Aren’t you tired of fighting?”

The name slips from Soonyoung’s lips once, but it’s enough for Jihoon to break down. Sobs wrack through his body, choking on his tears. In the distance, afloat but treading water, Jihoon picks up the alert in Soonyoung’s voice, cursing and pleading with Jihoon to tell him where he is. Jihoon is lucid enough to almost want Soonyoung to find him, to hold him, to talk him down until he falls asleep. With a voice above a whisper, Jihoon mutters simple words.

“S-soonyoung… I don’t know where I am…”

Jihoon can faintly hear the sound of footsteps striking the pavement on the other line, heavy breathing signaling that Soonyoung is running. Jihoon cries and cries until he can’t breathe. He panics, stuttering over his words and the blood rushing to his ears too loud for him to bear. Jihoon’s vision refocuses at the sound of Soonyoung’s voice. 

“Listen to me, I’ll find you. Hold on, do me a favor. I learned this is my psychology class, but we’ll try it out. Cross your arms over your shoulders like an X. Take deep breaths and count to three.” 

Jihoon barely registers what his classmate says, but he does it with shaky hands and hesitant intentions. He’s not sure if what Soonyoung says actually works or is a bunch of loaded bullshit, but his heart feels stronger. A cackle sounds from the distance, hidden among the wind, but its whistles sound an awful lot like his mother. As quick as it had come, Jihoon no longer has control of his body. The phone slips from his grasp, and it sets off a fire in Jihoon he didn’t know he had. Covering his ears with his hands and repeating random words to himself, he tries to fight back against the woman who ruined him. A force pushes Jihoon forward, beckoning him to inch forward. Climbing the stairs onto the rooftop, Jihoon drapes his legs over the edge, but he remains motionless. Standing over the city, his mother’s voice drones on in his ears, soft and loving and everything Jihoon wants. She whispers into his ear, and Jihoon shakes within her grasp. Light touches graze his wrist, tugging him closer to the edge, forcing him to look down at the oncoming cars. _Jump_ , the wind says, and Jihoon lets himself fall forward.

Except the impact never comes. 

“Jihoon, what the fuck. You were trying to kill yourself? What’s wrong with you?”

There’s a tight grip around his waist, squeezing him harder than the hold the wind and its whistles had on him. A heavy weight settles on his back, vibrations nuzzling on his neck, and frantic, but delicate phrases materializing behind him. The memory of being touched has Jihoon screaming and clawing at his assailant. He screams, begging to be left alone. Careful movements handle Jihoon, but Jihoon is not having any of it. Jihoon slaps at his assailant’s arms, and finally, they let go.

“Ouch, fuck, okay! I’m sorry, I won’t touch you!”

Jihoon resurfaces, the water holding him under drains at his feet. Fresh air fills Jihoon’s lungs, clearer and crisper than any air he’s ever felt. Jihoon comes back into focus, far away from the ledge of the rooftop and wrapped into a bundle. Jihoon sobs, the creature moving farther and farther away from him. Jihoon scrunches his nose, the voice familiar in his ears and calm in his heart. Jihoon thinks it’s absolutely absurd, but it’s enough for Jihoon to take the leap. He reaches his arms out, making grabby hands at whoever the person is. Fingers graze against his face, checking for any signs of damage. Every instinct in Jihoon’s body tells him to run away, but Jihoon goes against his own self for the first time. Though the hands on his hips stroke up and down his back and the breath on his neck dawns closer and closer, he lets himself feel. His knees falter underneath his weight, too heavy to support himself any longer. They fall together, the grip on Jihoon’s waist never letting go. Jihoon is spun around, arms shaking at him. His head tilts up, and everything in Jihoon clicks into place. He’s met face to face with the person who annoys him the most in this world. Kwon Soonyoung, there in the flesh, is tangled into Jihoon. 

“Jesus Christ, Jihoon. Don’t do that again. Why would you do this? Don’t you know that that’s never the only option you have?”

Locking his gaze on Soonyoung’s face, Jihoon’s fingers are featherlight on Soonyoung’s skin. He cups his face in his palm, and Soonyoung’s breathing skips. Soonyoung’s grip on Jihoon loosens, pushing him away and Jihoon aches. Soonyoung stalks off, leaving Jihoon alone to process what happened. Soonyoung sighs, holding the door open for Jihoon. 

They walk in silence, far enough on the sidewalk to be comfortable but close enough to almost touch. Jihoon glances at the boy next to him almost every second, his heart tingling and head spinning from Soonyoung’s beauty. The streetlight captures Soonyoung’s features just right, and Jihoon wonders how he never saw it before. The tension between them is quiet, and Jihoon shifts uncomfortably. 

"Soonyoung, listen, about earlier-"

Soonyoung waves his hand, shoving his hands into his pocket, "We don't have to talk about it, Jihoon. Whatever it is, just know that you're stronger than you think."

He gives Jihoon a squeeze on the shoulder and a bright smile before looking away and down at his shoes. The words echo in Jihoon's mind, drumming louder and louder until his heartbeat is in time with Soonyoung's steps. Something in Jihoon stirs, and when Soonyoung drops Jihoon off at his doorstep, Jihoon replays that moment in his head all night. 

He stays up all night, stuck on his computer chair, papers splayed out across his desk and his numerous musical instruments there to help him get in the zone. Jihoon thinks of Soonyoung, and a beautiful melody pops into his brain almost instinctively. Within two hours, the song Jihoon has been trying to finish for the last two weeks is done in one night. Jihoon scoffs at the reason, _Kwon Soonyoung_ , but he lets the song play over and over again. Jihoon saves the file, not yet publishing it. It’ll have to wait, Jihoon decides. For now, he wants to bask in Soonyoung’s memory. Something stirs inside Jihoon once more, and Jihoon draws in the air, his finger tracing every line. He grins, throwing his head back and laughing so hard that his chest is light and his head is engraved with his classmate. 

Jihoon pulls the cover tight above his head, “I want him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made more changes to the story! you can check out the updated tags. i should add that the rest of svt will be implemented in the story at a later time, the story is really just supposed to mainly focus on soonhoon but everyone else is relevant to the plot, if there even is a plot LOL
> 
> also, sorry this took so long to update. this story will probably be like 15-20ish chapters long, in my head, but let's write it out to see how it goes first 
> 
> this is unedited, feedback is welcome.
> 
> twt: @glowingji


	6. washed away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_kairos (noun):_ **
> 
> _**the perfect, delicate, crucial moment;**_  
>  _ **the fleeting rightness of time and place that creates the opportune atmosphere for actions, words, or movement**_.

The next morning, Jihoon is light on his feet and he is surprised at how refreshed he feels. Mingyu and Seokmin have a strange look on their faces, not believing that _the Lee Jihoon_ is, dare they say, _docile_. 

Both juniors make eye contact with each other, expressions horrified and delighted all the same. Jihoon hums the chorus to the song he wrote last night. Mingyu leans in closer, straining his gigantic ears to get a closer listen. 

“Hyung, is that a new song? That doesn’t sound like the one you were working on.”

Jihoon spins around on his heels, and for a second, Mingyu’s life flashes before his eyes, but the college senior only smiles. He claps his hands together and lets out a content squeal, and Seokmin and Mingyu think it’s the strangest thing in the world. 

“Oh, that- I came up with something different. Inspiration struck, I suppose.” 

Chugging down the water bottle in his hands, Seokmin’s curiosity gets the best of him, “What inspired you, hyung?”

With a single stroke of a hairbrush to his scalp, Jihoon blinks at his reflection before turning back to his friends and clapping his hands once more, “Kwon Soonyoung.”

Sharing another glance of disbelief at once another, Mingyu and Seokmin are wary of their friend’s behavior. But they know better than to meddle in Jihoon’s odd affairs, so they let it be. And as Jihoon skips daintily to his philosophy class, both boys can’t help but fear for their newly-formed friend and Jihoon’s partner’s safety because _what the fuck, they hate each other, right_?

Stalking off to their own respective classes and branching out into two different directions, Seokmin and Mingyu take a second to stop in front of the classroom door before rushing in to their seats. 

“That was horrifying.” 

Soonyoung’s eyes almost bug out of his head once Jihoon actually makes an effort to strike up a conversation with him. It’s quite out of character for Jihoon, and Soonyoung’s pretty sure that Jihoon told him to go to hell literally a day ago. But Soonyoung won’t complain — it makes working on the project easier and maybe then their friends won’t be so disappointed in their lack of chemistry. 

“Soonyoung, what do you think of this?”

Soonyoung blinks at the boy next to him, shying away from his touch. He shrugs, slanted eyes tracing Jihoon’s appearance. 

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking at.” 

Jihoon pouts, and Soonyoung almost thinks it’s cute. But then Jihoon opens his mouth again and the fleeting thought passes twice as fast as it had come. 

“Me, of course. Don’t you think I look pretty?” 

Soonyoung does a once-over on Jihoon a second time. Jihoon’s wearing a black button up shirt with a gray trenchcoat draping over his petite frame. Black pants sit tight around Jihoon’s thighs and Soonyoung swallows. He squints at Jihoon’s gelled-up hair and goes back to taking notes.

“No. This is a classroom, Jihoon, not a ball dance.” 

Jihoon whines, kicking his feet, “You're supposed to say yes!” 

Rolling his eyes, Soonyoung inhales, keeping his irritation to himself. He shrugs, and when Jihoon deflates in his seat to pay attention to the lecture, Soonyoung smiles. 

“Yes, hyung, I ate lunch just now. I’m going to dance class soon.” 

Soonyoung chuckles over his brother’s concerns, fussing and nagging. Seungcheol tells Soonyoung all about his day and his heart feels warm. _Good, hyung deserves to be happy_. He can faintly hear Joshua and Jeonghan screaming at each other in the background and Seungcheol lectures them on their manners. 

“Oh, really? Han-hyung and Shua-hyung said that? Are they taking care of you well or should we move again?”

There’s a hint of teasing in Soonyoung’s voice. He’s aware of how _fond_ the devil twins are of the eldest. Seungcheol is quick to interject, shooing Soonyoung away and quickly disconnecting the line. He laughs out loud and shakes his head before scurrying off to the dance building. To be young and in love, Soonyoung supposes. 

A kid bounces up to Soonyoung, slamming into him in a bone-crushing embrace. Soonyoung ruffles his hair and sets his gear down onto the floor. Pearly white teeth and perfect form, Lee Chan is a sight to behold. 

“Hey, Channie. How’s my favorite freshman?” 

Chan takes a swig of his water bottle, setting up the speakers, “I’m the only freshman you know.” 

Tapping his foot to the beat of the music resonating through the room, Soonyoung loses himself in the rhythm. A soft, melodic voice pierces his ears and his eyes shoot open when he bumps into a surface hard enough to make his head spin. A pair of sturdy hands knock Soonyoung off his feet, but he’s quickly caught before he hits the ground. 

“For a skilled dancer like you, you’re a bit clumsy on your feet.” 

Minghao juts his chin towards Soonyoung, and Soonyoung shrinks down at the back-handed compliment. Soonyoung hums, watching himself in the mirror. By the time the song ends, Soonyoung is out of breath and overcome with a sense of longing. A round of applause sounds from behind Soonyoung and he shifts uncomfortably from the attention. Bowing respectfully, he slips away to the corner of the room to catch his breath and hide from the spotlight. 

Soonyoung is shoved forward with such a force he barely has time to brace himself, “Dude, what the hell? I didn’t know you could move like that!” 

Soonyoung cringes at the noise, “Jun, I can hear you. Why are you screaming?”

It’s like the Chinese boy doesn’t even listen to a single word that leaves Soonyoung’s lips because he’s already on a tangent about how he should join the dance club for real and take part in the showcase. I mean, how could Soonyoung disagree, it’s not like -

“I can’t. I have to look after Cheol-hyung.”

With a groan, Junhui throws his head back. He rolls his eyes at Soonyoung, disregarding every word from Soonyoung’s lips. 

“Yeah, you always say that, but I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear it. See you at the restaurant!” 

Soonyoung stares back at his reflection in the mirror, mouth opening and closing in sheer flabbergastation. His eyes follow his friends’ silhouettes out the door, and once again, Soonyoung is left alone with his own thoughts. He takes in one last look at himself, wondering if he should take the chance to think about himself. Seungcheol is Soonyoung’s world, and it always has been. It always will be. But Soonyoung knows that he wants more, _deserves_ more. With one foot out the door, Soonyoung looks on towards his own yearning, but it’s lost with the wind as it breezes by. 

**From: Lee Jihoon  
19:35**

_**where are you? let’s go together** _

**From: Lee Jihoon  
19:37**

_**i’m hungry**_.

**From: Lee Jihoon  
19:38**

_**kwon soonyoung, i know you’re reading this  
stop playing** _

It takes everything in Soonyoung to fight the urge to throw up into his mouth - he is actually quite hungry, thank you very much, but Soonyoung would rather starve than spend more time with Jihoon than he has to. They only have one class together, and it’s three hours long, but it’s enough of a curse to Soonyoung. He grimaces, eyes flitting over the messages Jihoon sends in quick successions. It’s gross, Soonyoung thinks. He has no idea why Jihoon is being like this, _needy_ and _clingy_. It’s so unnaturally uncharacteristic of the legendary Lee Jihoon to depend on anyone, so why is he starting now? Soonyoung can’t deny that he feels just a little but flattered that Jihoon is finally trying to cooperate with him on speaking terms, but now that it’s starting to occur that way, it’s just pissing him off. Soonyoung sighs, picking up the pace and wrapping his scarf tighter around his neck. 

When he arrives at the restaurant, he’s surprised to see more people than he’s used to. Soonyoung takes note that Chan and Minghao have joined the bunch, but there’s a few unfamiliar faces. Jeonghan beckons Soonyoung to join them at the (very) overcrowded table, pointing at the empty seat reserved for him. 

Jeonghan hollers, “Oh, good, you’re here! We recruited more members, Soonyoung. Come on, sit.”

Seungcheol snorts from his seat, sandwiched between the devil twins, not even glancing up from his noodles, “Jesus Christ, Han. This isn’t some damn cult.”

Without missing a beat, Joshua flicks both of them on the forehead, scolding them with a strict and disapproving tone, “Language! There are children here.”

(Everyone laughs at the three (oldest) adults, wondering how on earth it is possible that all of the so-called children are younger than them when the three of them combined share one brain cell. But it’s absolutely sweet, nonetheless.)

Soonyoung curses under his breath because _of course_ , the only seat available is next to Lee Jihoon. Damn, Soonyoung is unlucky and he can already feel the bad vibes dripping off of Jihoon’s body. Jihoon says nothing, but he leans in closer to the psychology major and hands him his bowl of udon noodles. Aside from thanking Jihoon, the two of them remain silent and eat their dishes in peace. Their hearts are still miles away from one another, but it’s closer than it’s ever been before. 

The following days wear Soonyoung down faster than he anticipates. Day after day, it’s the same people begging him to join the dance club for real. Day after day, it’s Soonyoung breaking his spine bending over backwards for his brother because Seungcheol means everything to him. Day after day, it’s working at a café and drowning in assignments while watching Joshua and Jeonghan make googly eyes at his brother. Day after day, it’s Jihoon inserting himself into Soonyoung’s daily life, uninvited, if he may add. 

Soonyoung groans, smacking his head onto the library table. It’s the only place Soonyoung can really have some time to himself without worrying that his nuisances will be there. He’s never felt more lucky that none of his friends ever bother to pick up a book and study. 

Lingering questions swirl in Soonyoung’s mind and he decides that right now is a good time to process it himself to at least try to come up with a solution. It’s not like Soonyoung doesn’t want to join the dance club, hell, he would _love_ to, but he just doesn’t have the time to. And it’s not like it’s Seunngcheol’s fault that sometimes Soonyoung has to be the big brother to protect him - he’s fragile and Soonyoung will gladly sacrifice what little time he has on his brother. Though, Soonyoung’s only wish is for the evil twins to just tell Seungcheol how they feel because watching the three of them pine is pathetic.

It’s not even as if Soonyoung _asked_ Jihoon to spend so much energy on trying to be civil with him, but Jihoon does it anyway. He thinks it’s a bit excessive, really, and it bothers Soonyoung to no end, but he supposes that if Jihoon is putting in effort, it shouldn’t be so bad. Soonyoung rests his forehead on the cool, wooden table. Chuckling is heard and Soonyoung’s head snaps up, coming face to face with the two boys he met the other day. The blue-haired boy shoots a dirty look at the brown-haired boy, but it doesn’t seem to faze him at all. 

“Excuse his manners, hyung., but I don’t believe we have formally met. I’m Boo Seungkwan. And that one is-”

The half-American boy with a sharp jawline interrupts, “I go by Vernon, but my real name is Hansol Chwe. You can call me whatever.” 

“Oh, hi, I’m Kwon Soonyoung. Please, sit.” 

Hansol and Seungkwan sit across from Soonyoung, fingers interlocking almost instantly and Soonyoung feels his heart swell. He can’t stop the smile from spreading on his face, and the sigh that leaves his newly-formed friends lips tell Soonyoung that they know they’re already welcome around him. 

“You both are beautiful together. How long has it been?”

Hansol twirls his bangs with his free hand, “A long time. It took me two years to court him, but that ass is phenomenal, so I’m not complaining.” 

The blush on Seungkwan’s face compliments his cheeks perfectly, but Seungkwan is shining brighter than ever. “It’s been five years, hyung. We started dating in freshman year of high school.”

A whistle resonates from Soonyoung and into the quiet atmosphere. He hums, “So you’re both sophomores, right? That means Hansol has been chasing after you since seventh grade! What brings you here, anyways? It’s a Saturday.”

“Nonie and I were just looking for this book I need for my humanities class on Monday. We saw you, and you looked, no offense, like you were having an existential crisis. We figured you could use company… unless you prefer to be alone, you know, with your misery?”

Soonyoung splutters, putting his hands up to reassure the underclassmen that he enjoys their presence, “It’s fine. I was getting bored anyways. So, I see you’ve been adopted by Jeonghan and Joshua. I feel sorry for you two.”

Hansol giggles, “It’s okay. Your friends are all a bunch of weirdos, but it’s cool. I actually already knew some of them from classes and shit, like Wonwoo-hyung and Chan.”

Soonyoung’s eyebrows perks, “Really?”

Seungkwan flips through the pages of _Pride and Prejudice_ , “Yeah, I’m in the same club as Seokmin-hyung. And Jihoon-hyung is in my composition class, but he doesn’t seem to like me.”

Soonyoung snorts, “Don’t take it personal. Jihoon doesn’t really like anyone. I would know.”

Seungkwan and Hansol share a knowing look, and Soonyoung is ready to bolt out of the library in case they’re having a moment. Hansol interjects, eyebrows raised so high it disappears underneath his bangs, “Are you sure? Kwannie heard from Seokmin-hyung and Mingyu-hyung that all Jihoon has talked about all week is you.”

And then Soonyoung stills, his movements ceasing. He chokes on his spit, the air knocked from his lungs. Soonyoung backtracks, his heart backpedaling and his feet move at their own accord back to the table he was just at moments ago. Finding his way back to his chair, Soonyoung lands a bit harder than he intended to.

“Yeah, shit. He’s probably condemning me to hell again.”

Seungkwan shifts, clicking his tongue, “I don’t know, hyung. He’s also been writing your name in his notes a lot. Maybe he likes you?”

Throwing his head onto his shoulder, Soonyoung laughs harder than he ever has. It takes several annoyed stares from nearby students and a scolding from the librarian for Soonyoung to catch his breath. There are tears in his eyes, and his stomach muscles hurt, but it’s still funny to Soonyoung, no matter how many times Seungkwan repeats himself. 

“That’s so fucking funny, but it’s also bullshit. I don’t know if you know this, but Jihoon and I don’t exactly like each other. To be honest, we don’t even know each other like that, but it doesn’t change the fact that our existences are enough to bring hell on earth.”

Hansol gathers Seungkwan’s belongings into his backpack, plucking his boyfriend off his lap, “Don’t you guys have a class together or something?”

“Sure, we’re philosophy partners for this project, but that doesn’t mean anything. The reason he’s acting like he tolerates me is because Mingyu begged him to get along with me. It was something about Jihoon’s friends liking my friends, I guess.”

Seungkwan shrugs, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and intertwining his fingers with Hansol’s, “I don’t know, hyung. He probably changed his mind about you. If there’s anything I learned from this relationship, it’s that I can spot persistence.”

Hansol disagrees with his boyfriend’s statement, but it doesn’t matter because it gets tangled with Seungkwan’s next one, “I’m just saying, I could be wrong, but something tells me that his heart is starting to see you in a different light.”

Soonyoung waves off Seungkwan’s words, bidding the lovebirds goodbye. He tells himself that Seungkwan is just spewing a load of bullshit and that he doesn’t know either Jihoon nor Soonyoung to be accurately perceptive of their dynamic, but it’s obvious that his words hold more weight. Soonyoung snuffs, burying his face into his philosophy textbook, but each bold print reminds him of his sworn enemy. He tries to swallow the lump in his throat and the skip in his heart, but Soonyoung lacks the strength to fight. 

“What the fuck,” Soonyoung rises to his feet, clumsily shoving his textbook and papers into his bag before rushing out of the library.

Frantic footsteps echo in Soonyoung’s ears, urgency building in his chest. He reaches the top of the hill, out of breath and losing sanity. The house that sits perched upon it is the only one in sight, and it embodies royalty along its kingdom gates. It’s fitting, Soonyoung thinks - Jihoon knows nothing but eloquence, after all. Soonyoung stomps over to the gate, pushing a buzzer to make his presence known. 

“Who is it?”

“Hey, Mingyu. This is, uh, Jihoon’s house, right?”

The front door flies open immediately, two bodies tumbling down the steps of Jihoon’s house. Long limbs meet Soonyoung halfway, and in the corner of his eye, Jihoon stands there watching them, expression neutral and cold all the same. Mingyu gives Soonyoung a sympathetic pat on the back before tugging on Seokmin’s sleeve to pull him back through the front door. Seokmin glances over his shoulder, signaling a thumbs up to him before the doors slam shut, leaving Jihoon and Soonyoung alone. The wind breezes by, casting a slight gust colder than either boy was prepared for. Jihoon strolls over to Soonyoung, wrapping his fist around Soonyoung’s wrist. Soonyoung flinches, but Jihoon holds the door open with his other hand. 

“It’s cold, come in.”

Soonyoung enters Jihoon’s house and his jaw practically hits the floor. Gold curtains line their way across every window. A bright, big chandelier hangs in the center of Jihoon’s living room, dangling above his head. Seokmin and Mingyu make themselves at home on one of Jihoon’s many sofas, engrossed in front of a large television screen with enough space between them on the couch to sprawl out. A light tap on Soonyoung’s shoulder breaks his trance, and Soonyoung almost feels bad with how envious he is of Jihoon’s lavish life. He follows Jihoon into the dining room, eyes bulging out of his sockets with the size of the table. 

“So why are you here?” 

Dumbly, Soonyoung spits out the first words that spring into mind, “Holy shit, you’re rich.”

Jihoon hums, plopping a sugar cube into his tea. He shrugs, “Yeah, I am, but that’s not why you’re here. I mean, not that I’m complaining. You can stay here for however long you wish.”

“Okay, what’s going on? Why are you acting like this?”

Jihoon’s eyes flit towards Soonyoung, turning his head slower than how fast his words come out, “Like what? You can sit down, you know. I won’t bite,” And with a wink, Jihoon leans forward on his elbows, face inches away from Soonyoung’s, “...unless you want me to.”

Soonyoung shudders, his throat dry. He scrambles his chair backwards, scooting a good few inches away from his partner, “What the fuck, like that! Why are you being so weird?”

“What are you talking about, Kwon?” 

“Why are you being nice to me? It’s… weird. Look, I know Mingyu told us to pretend to get along, but this is a bit too excessive, Jihoon.”

Sliding a cup of tea to Soonyoung from across him, Jihoon retaliates, “Shouldn’t you be nice to people who are special to you?”

Soonyoung stirs the sugar into his drink, “Yeah, sure, but you don’t have to text them all the- wait, what?”

Jihoon smiles, “You’re special to me, Kwon Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung coughs into his hand, clapping his chest to bring back proper air flow into his lungs, “Okay, this is too much. We know you hate me, so why lie?”

“Is that what you think? If you already know that, why are you here?”

And suddenly Soonyoung is wheezing, throwing his head back with how hard he’s laughing, “I was just at the library and I ran into Hansol and Seungkwan, you know, that kid from your music class or whatever. And he told me the strangest thing.” 

Amused, Jihoon pauses, hand still but never looking up from his cup of tea. He watches the liquid swirl around, despite him taking the spoon from the cup. Jihoon isn’t sure if he cared enough about a classmate he has no recollection of, but if it’s Soonyoung speaking, he’ll keep his ears open.

Taking Jihoon’s silence as a token to continue rambling, Soonyoung bursts into a fit of giggles once more, “He told me that he heard from Seokmin that you’ve been talking about me to him and Mingyu all week.”

“So? I talk shit about you all the time.”

“Yeah, but that’s just it! Seungkwan says you’re not talking shit about me at all! In fact, you’ve been writing my name in your notes during class. But you’re probably wishing me to go to hell, right? I mean, not like that’s any better, but-”

Jihoon raises his hand, shutting Soonyoung up in the middle of his tangent, “What’s your point?”

Soonyoung can’t keep a straight face, laugh lines dotting his cheeks, “Seungkwan says you might have a crush on me and that your heart is starting to see me in a different light. That’s absolutely absurd, isn’t it?”

Jihoon cups Soonyoung’s face in his hands, dainty fingers tracing the curve of his cupid’s bow, “I do have a crush on you.” 

And suddenly, the room is a thousand degrees hotter and Soonyoung’s ears ring a higher pitch he's ever known. Mingyu and Seokmin’s show on the television shuts off - not that it registered in Soonyoung’s mind - but if the crash of two bodies hitting the floor tells him anything, it’s that they’re just as surprised as he is. 

“Okay, what? I mean, thanks, but you’re just going too far now. Stop playing, Jihoon. Just tell me the reason why you’re being weird.” 

He waits for Jihoon to pull out his phone and take a picture of his face and scream “I got you!” into his ear. Jihoon doesn’t laugh - he never did. So when Soonyoung realizes that, he shrinks into the chair. Jihoon moves closer to Soonyoung, extreme pressure on his elbows from all of his weight, “Ever since you saved me, I realized that I like you.” 

Everything makes sense to Soonyoung now. He is Jihoon’s savior, and Jihoon is mistaking his gratitude with infatuation. There’s a slight change in Soonyoung’s demeanor, and there’s a slight pang in his chest, but Soonyoung understands. He rips his hands away from Jihoon’s hold - this was a mistake. He stands up, Jihoon following right after him. Soonyoung spins on his heel, facing Jihoon and his aura shifts almost instantaneously. Soonyoung looks at Jihoon with gentle eyes, but he keeps him at arm’s length. 

“Okay, I get it now. You’re thankful I found you that night. I would be too. But you’re just confusing that with a crush. Anyways, you can stop now. Let’s just go back to normal after this. You don’t like me, and I don’t like you. That’s the way it is. See you later, Jihoon.” 

Heading towards the front door, Soonyoung is pushed forward, yet his body remains stuck. Small arms cling onto his frame, trapping Soonyoung between the door and Jihoon’s body. Soonyoung sighs, untangling himself from Jihoon’s hold. He sympathizes with the boy, but he doesn’t feel the same way. 

“I’m not confused, Soonyoung. I like you.” 

Soonyoung walks out of Jihoon’s house, his heart heavy in his chest. He ignores Jihoon’s cries, guilt and sorrow pooling deep in his chest. Jihoon tries to run after Soonyoung, but Seokmin and Mingyu hold him back. No matter how hard Jihoon kicks and no matter how loud Jihoon wails for Soonyoung to come back, Soonyoung and Jihoon are still light years away. 

When Soonyoung gets home, all eyes are on him. Jeonghan and Joshua breathe a sigh of relief. Wonwoo and Junhui spare him a nod for a split second before their eyes are trained back on the movie. Seungcheol paces, biting his nails and mumbling to himself. 

“You’re home late, Soonyoung. Did something happen?” 

Soonyoung places both palms onto his brother, bringing his forehead to Seungcheol’s neck to soothe him, “It was just a long day, I lost track of time.” 

Seungcheol turns over onto his side, curling into his brother and hugs him back, “Hyung was really worried.”

Seungcheol pats his brother on the head before heading to the couch. He relaxes, knowing Soonyoung is safe. Jeonghan scoots over, allowing Seungcheol to squeeze in between him and Joshua. Wonwoo motions Soonyoung over, lifting up the blanket. Soonyoung throws his backpack onto the floor, kicking off his shoes and joining his friends onto the couch. The Matrix plays on the television, and Soonyoung can see the flashes of the action through closed eyes. 

Wonwoo and Junhui lean towards Soonyoung, breaths hot on his neck. Even through eyes closed, Soonyoung can see their faces. He bets Junhui has that stupid smirk on his face and he bets Wonwoo has that stupid nose scrunch. Soonyoung cracks open an eye - he’s right. Groaning, he readjusts his position on Wonwoo’s legs. 

“What? You’re annoying me.”

Junhui snorts, stuffing a fistful of popcorn into his mouth, “You didn’t tell us Jihoon had a thing for you.” 

Jeonghan and Joshua lurch forward, eyes as wide as saucers and yells perfectly in sync, “Yeah, what the fuck, Soonyoung?”

Soonyoung groans, throwing his head back onto the head rest, “How do you even know that?” 

Soonyoung’s side vibrates when Wonwoo speaks, his deep voice in his ears just as much as it is in Soonyoung’s rib cage because of how they’re laying, “Seokmin said it in the group chat, you know how big his mouth is.” 

“Okay, I’m going to ignore the fact that I was not included in this group chat, but anyways, it’s not like that. Jihoon doesn’t like me.” 

Junhui's eyes roll so far back into his head that Soonyoung is almost concerned that he’ll give himself a seizure, “So, what is this?” 

Soonyoung almost cries at the fact that they have a group chat, without him, but he’ll deal with that later. Soonyoung absolutely loses his mind reading the string of text messages between his friends. 

“Don’t worry, I changed everyone’s contact names to their respective names so that you won’t be confused.”

“What were they before?” 

Junhui shrugs, “Don't worry about it. Just read.” 

A giant question marks forms above Soonyoung’s head, but he knows better than to dig deeper. His curiosity deepens, but he knows that Wen Junhui is something unpredictable. Soonyoung crinkles his nose because _why is his gemini twin so nasty_? He doesn’t need to see the names to know that his theory is correct. Everyone cringes because they realize it too.

[ **Seokmin has added you, Mingyu, Wonwoo, and 7 others to the chat!** ]  
 **18:12**

**From: Seokmin  
18:12**

**_omg! soonyoung is here at jihoon’s place_**!

**From: Wonwoo  
18:12**

_**Yeah, right. Soonyoung would rather stick pencils in his eyes than be with Jihoon longer than he has to**_.

**From: You  
18:12**

_**pics or it didn’t happen LOL**_!

**From: Minghao  
18:12**

**_^_ **

**From: Mingyu  
18:14**

**_Jihoon just fucking hugged Soonyoung, what a man_**.

**From: You  
18:14**

**_kim mingyu, you're a liar_**.

**From: Jeonghan  
18:14**

_**if you're lying to me, i'll cry, pls don't say sike** _

**From: Seokmin  
18:14**

_**he's not lying! hoon hugged soon and soon didn't pull away right away**_!

**From: Joshua  
18:14**

**_OKAY WHAT_ **

**From: Jeonghan  
18:14**

**_OKAY WHAT x2  
MY BABIES GROW UP SO FAST_ **

**From: Chan  
18:14**

_**OKAY WHAT x3  
i thought soonyoung hyung hated jihoon hyung!**_!

**From: Hansol  
18:16 ******

****_**brooo it must b bc boo told sy hyung abt jh hyungs feelings 4 him** _ ** **

****

******From: Seungkwan  
18:16** ** **

******_your spelling is disgusting  
but LMAO i didn’t think he would do anything about it_**...** **

****

******From: Jeonghan  
18:17** ** **

****_**jihoon has WHAT for soonyoung** _ ** **

****

******From: Seokmin  
18:17** ** **

******RIP JIHOON HYUNG SOONYOUNG HYUNG JUST R E J E C T E D HIM**

**From: Minghao  
18:17**

_**ok but the fact that they even got to that point is a whole other level of progress in and of itself but we love to see it** _

**From: Wonwoo  
18:18**

_**Wow, character development at its finest**_.

**From: Seungkwan  
18:19**

_**they're in love i tell u HAHA** _

Soonyoung smacks his forearm across his face and throws Junhui’s phone back to him. He counts to three in his head, waiting. Sure enough, as soon as he stops counting, all hell breaks loose. Four voices bombard him with questions, invading his personal space and breaking Soonyoung’s eardrums. Seungcheol is the only one decent enough to leave Soonyoung alone, turning the volume up louder on the television. Mantras of _Kwon Soonyoung, explain!_ and _spill, and DON’T leave anything out!_ float in the air a million miles per second and it’s honestly dizzying. Soonyoung smushes a pillow to his ear, releasing his frustrations into it. The atmosphere quiets for a moment, but it’s enough for Soonyoung to build up the energy to put the story to rest.

Junhui, ever so bold, nudges Soonyoung’s elbow, snickering, “So, is it true or not? Jihoon wants to have your-”

Soonyoung cringes, smacking his friend upside the head, “You’re truly gross. Anyways, Jihoon told me he likes me, but that’s a lie. We all know we hate each other.”

The room goes silent, save for the fact that Seungcheol’s favorite cartoon is playing in the background before Jeonghan chimes in, “But what does this have to do with Seungkwan?”

“I saw Seungkwan and Hansol at the library earlier today and basically, Seungkwan told me that Seokmin told him that Jihoon has been talking about me all week. And then he said that Jihoon has been writing my name all over his notebook during lectures. And like, all week he’s been trying to get my attention and asking me what I think of his outfit. He’s even been trying to walk with me, what the fuck!”

Wonwoo snorts, “Simp.” 

Joshua leans forward on his knees, cradling Seungcheol’s head on his lap, “And so what, you just went to Jihoon’s house to confront him about him?” 

“Yeah, because it’s all bullshit! He’s just spewing that shit because he’s confused!”

“If you hate Jihoon, why does it bother you so much?” 

Soonyoung sighs, “Look, the day we all got drunk off our minds that one night was the day Jihoon was going to jump off a rooftop. I found him, and then suddenly I’m his sunflower or some shit.” 

Jeonghan interjects, pointing his finger at Soonyoung, “Okay, that’s a discussion for another time, but what makes you think Jihoon doesn’t mean it?” 

Soonyoung shrugs, “Why would he? Anyways, it doesn’t matter anyways. I set Jihoon straight, I don’t like him like that.”

Junhui shovels a handful of popcorn into his mouth, “Debatable.”

“You guys are crazy. I’m going to bed.” 

Soonyoung rushes off the couch and heads to the bathroom. He splashes water on his face, brushing his teeth and changing into pajamas. Soonyoung turns on his side, slipping into bed and closing his eyes. But the need to sleep doesn’t come. Soonyoung groans, trying to shut off his brain. Jihoon’s face flashes beneath his eyelids, and Soonyoung jolts upward. Jihoon’s words echo in Soonyoung’s ears, and a flicker of something sparks in his chest. He huffs once, twice, thrice, before Soonyoung gives up. He waits for sleep to sweep him away, cursing the smaller boy for plaguing his thoughts. _What a day_.

It doesn’t come off as a surprise that Soonyoung tries to distance whatever closeness he has with Jihoon. He knows that it’s very slight, but even so, the bridge between them becomes longer. Soonyoung misses out on group hangouts because Jihoon is there, and Soonyoung only talks to Jihoon about the project in class. Once that bell rings, Soonyoung is out the door and he doesn’t dare look back. It puts a strain on their friend group, but Soonyoung really doesn’t want to deal with Jihoon. The goal is just to get the project done and move on with his life. He will admit, though, it’s hard to avoid someone who all your friends are friends with. 

“What are you doing?” 

Soonyoung jumps about five feet in the air, letting out an embarrassing scream. He offers an awkward smile to save himself, but the stranger laughs. Soonyoung scoots over on the park bench, featuring for the woman to sit down. 

“I’m Park Jihyun, sociology and fashion designer double major.” 

Soonyoung takes her outstretched hand, “Kwon Soonyoung. I’m a psychology major. Yeah, basic, I know.” 

“It’s not basic, Soonyoung. I think it’s cool.”

“So, sociology and fashion? That doesn’t even seem to have any sort of correlation.” 

Jihyun laughs, nodding her head and rolling her eyes as if she’s heard that same thing a million times, “Yeah, but why not? I figured that if my fashion career fails, I have a backup since the field is pretty broad, you know?”

Pointing to her outfit, Soonyoung can see that the girl has an eye for color, “I’m sure it won’t.”

Her smile is brighter than he’s ever seen, and he would be lying if he said that she wasn’t attractive. She twirls her silver-dyed hair between her fingers, her eyes a pretty brown. Her shirt hugs at her waist perfectly, and her pale skin glows in the sunset. Soonyoung coughs into his sleeve, adjusting in his spot on the bench. She peers over his shoulder, stealing a peek at his phone screen. 

“Sorry for being nosy, but you just keep glancing at your phone. Are you waiting for someone?” 

Soonyoung snuffs, “More like avoiding.”

She frowns, scooting ever so slightly closer to Soonyoung, “Bad breakup?” 

He coughs into the open air, turning his head to avoid getting unwanted liquid on her face. He wipes the tears from the corner of his eyes, “Oh, it’s not like that. I’m not dating anyone. I just came here to be alone, you know.” 

Jogging places a gentle hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder. She slips him a piece of paper before patting down her skirt as she rises to her feet, “Well, if you’re interested, I’d like to treat you to some coffee some time? You know, to maybe keep you company as you avoid everyone?”

Soonyoung’s embarrassingly pink and he’s pretty sure his pupils have dilated to the size of the moon. His chest swells with flattery because _holy shit, is a hot girl really asking him out _? Unfolding the piece of paper, 10 digits are printed neatly in front of him. Soonyoung’s throat goes dry at the sight of the woman he met just minutes ago.__

__Jihyun takes Soonyoung’s silence as rejection, and she deflates, stepping away and bowing, “Sorry, that was probably weird since we just met. I just think you’re cute, and you seem nice enough. Wow, this is embarrassing, I’ll just go-”_ _

__Soonyoung embarrassed himself some more with how fast he stands up, rising up to his full height. He looks down at the, admittedly, pretty girl and cringes at how badly his voice cracks, “No! Uh- I mean, uh, yeah, that’d be okay. I think we can make it happen?”_ _

__She giggles into her palm, slinging her backpack over her shoulder and giving Soonyoung a peck on the cheek, “I’ll be waiting, Kwon. Don’t take too long.”_ _

__And with that, she’s off, and Soonyoung’s standing there, dumbfounded, in the middle of the park, alone. He grins, pocketing the paper and practically dances all the way home._ _

__

__Jihoon huffs. He’s upset, really upset. It’s three weeks into the semester and he and Soonyoung have gone nowhere with the project. Well, they haven’t really started, to be precise. Soonyoung’s been ignoring him, more than usual, and it’s taking a huge toll on Jihoon. He’s been experiencing major writer's block, putting a stunt on all his songwriting. Jihoon can’t focus in class because his mind wanders back to the man whose eyes resemble a clock at 10:10. He’s having trouble sleeping and eating because the thought of Soonyoung is almost suffocating. He thinks back to the night he almost jumped. Soonyoung was there to catch him, and ever since then, he’s been the only star in Jihoon’s sky. Was it lust? Perhaps. Jihoon won’t deny that Soonyoung is a gift sent from God himself with how perfectly sculpted he is. And perhaps Soonyoung’s a little more interesting than Jihoon gives him credit for. But whatever this feeling that Soonyoung gives him is, Jihoon won’t stop until he’s done chasing the high. Jihoon wants him - he really, _really_ wants Kwon Soonyoung. _ _

__He stares off to the other side of the living room. Thirteen bodies are crammed into a space too small even for how large Jihoon’s house is. Ever since Jihoon and Soonyoung’s weird encounter at his house, Jihoon’s place pretty much became the designated hangout spot. Not only does his house have everything, but it has enough rooms for everyone to have a sleepover without having too many people in a room. Jeonghan lays back on Jihoon’s velvet sofa, popping a grape into his mouth and sighing._ _

__“Man, this is life. Your house really is the shit, Hoonie.”_ _

__Jihoon hums, tapping his pen on the wooden dining table. Though there are twelve bodies to keep him warm in this house too big for one person, he’s never felt more cold. He feels empty, robotic even, but he’s trying to get better. Observing his surroundings, a small smile forms on Jihoon’s lips. Seokmin and Seungkwan are screaming their lungs out at each other with Hansol holding his boyfriend back from ripping off Seokmin’s ear. Joshua sits on the floor at Jeonghan’s feet, Seungcheol in between his legs. Soonyoung and Chan have a dance battle in Just Dance, and Wonwoo is trying his very best to ignore Mingyu’s (lame) attempts at flirting. Junhui and Minghao are conversing in Chinese, but Jihoon can see that something is brewing between them._ _

__He clicks his pen, feeling out of place. Soonyoung catches his eye for one second, but it’s enough for the burning desire in Jihoon’s stomach to resurface. Soonyoung staggers into the kitchen, rummaging through Jihoon’s fridge and choking on the cup of orange juice he’s drinking when Wonwoo holds up Soonyoung’s phone in the air._ _

__“Soons, your girlfriend is texting you.”_ _

__Jihoon’s neck snaps towards Soonyoung so fast that he’s surprised that he didn’t get whiplash. A chorus of _ooooh’s_ resonate throughout the living room. A blinding anger courses through Jihoon’s veins, and it takes everything in him to not wring out somebody’s neck. _ _

__Soonyoung snatches his phone away from his best (but maybe not after this) friend, “She’s not my girlfriend. We’re just friends.”_ _

__Seungcheol tsks, “Don’t lie. I taught you better than that.”_ _

__And suddenly every pair of eyes are on Soonyoung again, putting him in the spotlight and silently pushing him for answers, “It’s not a lie. We just met like a few days ago. She thinks I’m cute or whatever, and she’s cute, but I don’t know yet. But it seems to be going good.”_ _

__Junhui waves his hand, “Yeah, okay, you’re ugly as shit, but whatever. What’s her name anyways? Jinyoung?”_ _

__“It’s Jihyun, actually…”_ _

__Jihoon clenches his fists, breath hot and heavy in his throat. The words in his ears fade out to static, tuning out Soonyoung’s tangent on whatever the fuck her name is. Jihoon cracks his knuckles, anger clouding his vision. Who is this bitch and who does she think she is taking what’s _his_? _ _

__It’s as if the room rises a million degrees and everybody can sense Jihoon’s irritation. Soonyoung holds his breath, and nobody dares make a sudden move to set Jihoon off. Jihoon scoots back in his chair, rising to his feet and waltzing over to Soonyoung at an agonizing pace._ _

__“You didn’t tell me about _her_.” _ _

__Soonyoung rolls his eyes, pushing past Jihoon, “I’m sorry, but it’s not your business who I talk to.”_ _

__Everyone falls silent, feeling the tension thicken. Seungcheol takes one look at his brother, and he can see his distress. He pats him on the back and hooks his phone up to the bluetooth speaker. Everyone makes shifty eyes at one another, but when Jihoon goes back to writing, they take it as a sign to resume their activities. Jihoon pauses when he hears his voice blasting through the speakers, but he doesn’t react. Seokmin and Mingyu say nothing, and Jihoon lets it be as _Woozi’s_ calm voice lulls everyone to a state of relaxation. _ _

__“Who is this?”_ _

__Seungcheol gasps, offended, “You don’t know who this is? He’s my favorite singer. His name is Woozi.”_ _

__Jihoon drops his pen, “Woozi? What’s his real name?”_ _

__Soonyoung shrugs, “Nobody knows. But I gotta say, whoever this dude is, he’s doing God’s work.”_ _

__Jihoon picks his pen up from the floor, smiling to himself. _God’s work_? Seungcheol sings along to Woozi’s _Drift Away_ and Jihoon watches the domino effect — when the chorus hits, every single person who’s now been let into his life sway their hands. It’s a beautiful sight, but a part of Jihoon feels sick. He watches Soonyoung tap his foot lightly, and suddenly, Jihoon thinks that maybe letting things come to you isn’t so bad. _ _

__

__Soonyoung is sprawled out across his desk, head stuffed into the wood and arms played out at his side. Jihoon throws a paper plane he made the other day at him, inadvertently scooting his chair just a little bit closer to his muse. Jihoon hears a sharp inhale from his partner, breath too fast and it makes Jihoon tingle in delight. Soonyoung cracks open an eye, sighing. For the first time in four days, Soonyoung takes a genuine look at Jihoon. Jihoon’s heart hitches in his throat - how can he miss someone so much? It’s almost pathetic considering they see each other every day. But to have Soonyoung just take one second of his time to pay attention to Jihoon just once is riveting._ _

__“What?”_ _

__Jihoon feigns innocence, pouting his lips, “I didn’t do anything.”_ _

__Soonyoung sighs, “Yeah, okay.”_ _

__Before Soonyoung’s attention is lost, Jihoon quickly thinks of something to say to divert it back to him. Jihoon sinks into his chair, leather jacket drowning him further. Soonyoung glances at Jihoon from his peripheral, and while he tries really hard to ignore it, Soonyoung can’t help but feel a little guilty._ _

__“Look, we should probably start on the project, at least brainstorm or whatever. Let’s do it soon, yeah?”_ _

__And Jihoon lights up like a Christmas tree. It makes Soonyoung’s heart ache, so he says nothing more than that. He refrains from digging a hole further, forcing his eyes back on the documentary playing on the projector. Jihoon hums happily, scribbling words that Soonyoung has no energy to decipher onto his notebook._ _

__When the bell rings, Jihoon and Soonyoung are pulled aside. She has a stern look on her face as she taps her acrylics impatiently on her desk._ _

__“Mr. Kwon, Mr. Lee, I can’t help but notice that you both haven’t turned in anything for the project. I can’t be the only one who can see that you two aren’t as friendly with each other as the other students are. What’s going on?”_ _

__Ah, _that_. Jihoon swallows, catching Soonyoung’s gaze. It’s as if Jihoon reverts because one second he’s speechless and the next, he’s as blunt as ever. _ _

__He shrugs, “We haven’t started. It’s Soonyoung’s fault.”_ _

__Soonyoung stammers, raising his hands, “Okay, that’s too much. We’re sorry, Mrs. Song. Jihoon and I will start soon, we swear, it’s just taking a bit longer than we thought.”_ _

__Her eyes soften, “I understand. Take your time, but don’t wait too long.”_ _

__Once Jihoon and Soonyoung exit the classroom, Soonyoung punches Jihoon in the shoulder, “Dude, what the hell?”_ _

__Jihoon runs his sore shoulder, “It’s true. You’ve been a baby all week. I’m really trying here, Soonyoung.”_ _

__Soonyoung stops, Jihoon barreling right into him. Soonyoung sighs, wrapping an awkward arm around Jihoon’s shoulders, “You’re right. I suppose it’s time to get to each other, I guess?”_ _

__Jihoon sways his hips as he walks right past Soonyoung, “How about tonight, my place? Be there, or don’t,”_ _

__Jihoon leans into Soonyoung’s space, grazing his teeth over his ear, sending shivers down Soonyoung’s spine. The hairs at the back of his neck sticks up, “ _But I’d really rather prefer it if you came, Soonyoung_.” _ _

__Pushing Jihoon off of him, Soonyoung dusts off his hands on his pants, “Uh, yeah, sure, whatever.”_ _

__With a pleased smile, Jihoon pops off and tucks a stray piece of hair behind Soonyoung’s ears, “I’ll see you after your practice, then? I’ll pick you up.”_ _

__“Yeah, it ends at seven.”_ _

__As Soonyoung follows Jihoon's retreating figure, the blood rushes away from his ears and a huge weight lifts off of his body. The world around him resumes, and even though Jihoon is nowhere to be seen, Soonyoung can still feel traces of him on him. Soonyoung stalks off to his dance class in a daze, vision cloudy with a feeling he doesn’t realize._ _

__

__Dance practice breezes by quicker than Soonyoung expects. He’s happy to be a part of the program, really, he has no business being in a dance class, considering it’s just a hobby of his, but he’s happy nonetheless. He’s pleased to know that he’s thought of so highly, yet Soonyoung is too humble to take credit for the success of his peers. A downside of the end of practice means having Jihoon closer than he’d like. The thought of being in a room with Jihoon makes him nervous. It’s one thing to share your experiences and snapshots of your life with someone you trust, but it’s another thing if you’re in a position where you’re basically forced to get to know someone. These things take time, but that’s one thing that Soonyoung and Jihoon doesn’t have. Soonyoung’s almost positive that no amount of time will be enough for them. Sure, they were sort of friends, but it’s weird with the type of dynamic they have. And Soonyoung’s not even sure if Jihoon got over his crush on him. The last thing he wants is Jihoon and him to be on even worse terms than they already always seem to be on._ _

__Junhui hands Soonyoung a water bottle after another attempt at getting Soonyoung to sign up for the showcase, and although Soonyoung’s answer always remains the same, Junhui does what he always does anyway - pretending to not hear Soonyoung and carrying on with his life._ _

__“You want me to wait for you?”_ _

__Soonyoung swipes a towel across his forehead, “Ah, no, you can go ahead. Jihoon and I are finally starting the project.”_ _

__He wriggles his eyebrows at him, and Chan covers his ears for what he knows Junhui is about to say, “Oh? Use protection, yeah?”_ _

__A hollow smack echoes throughout the room, Minghao landing an accurate blow to Junhui’s abdomen. Soonyoung cringes, “I should be saying that to you and Hao.”_ _

__“Yeah, okay, don’t do anything _I_ would do, see you later, Soonyoung.” _ _

__

__Soonyoung is the last to leave the practice room, having wiped down the mirrors and floors. He shuts off the lights, locking the door behind him. He turns around on his heel, smacking right into Jihyun. He catches her right before she topples to the ground. She blinks at him through her long eyelashes, “Hi.”_ _

__“Sorry, I didn’t see you there. What brings you here?”_ _

__She twirls her hair on her index finger, “Thought I’d stop by and keep you company?”_ _

__Soonyoung blushes, guiding the both of them to the benches lining the hallway, “I’d like that.”_ _

__Jihyun’s pinky grazes over Soonyoung’s, masking her embarrassment with a laugh, “I caught the last half of the routine you guys did. It was beautiful. You, especially.”_ _

__His blush deepens, waving a hand of dismissal, “It was nothing, but thank you, Jihyun.”_ _

__The silver-haired girl leans her head on Soonyoung’s shoulder, “I don’t usually let people call me this, but only for you, you can call me Ji.”_ _

__Soonyoung doesn’t say anything, but he nods his head. Soonyoung’s heart surges in his chest, but the close contact gives him a bit of a headache. He doesn’t push her off, though. Jihyun nuzzles her face deeper into his neck, and the scent of her perfume overwhelms Soonyoung’s senses. It’s intoxicating yet overpowering all the same. It brings a sense of urgency in Soonyoung, he’s excited and nervous and painfully hot._ _

__“Say, Soonyoung… are you perhaps interested in anyone?”_ _

__Soonyoung’s voice rises an octave, “I’m not at the moment.”_ _

__She hums, vibrations jolting throughout Soonyoung’s body, “Do you want to?”_ _

__Before Soonyoung can answer, Jihyun presses a featherlight kiss to the corner of his mouth, telling him to think about it before stalking off. Not a second later, Jihoon pulls up in the parking lot. Soonyoung jogs over to Jihoon’s black convertible, red and out of breath._ _

__“Did you run to get here?”_ _

__“Oh, uh, yeah, something like that.”_ _

__Jihoon knows it’s a lie. His fingers grip the steering wheel tighter, jealousy pooling in his stomach. He saw that bitch and him together, but Soonyoung isn’t his. Jihoon steps on the gas harder, a twisted smile on his face. Soonyoung isn’t his, but he hopes that he will be._ _

__

__Once Soonyoung gets situated in Jihoon’s living room, he oddly doesn’t feel as uncomfortable as he thought he would. He oddly feels as if a part of him truly feels at home. Jihoon comes back with a pack of soju and blankets. He offers Soonyoung a bottle opener and Soonyoung buries himself into Jihoon’s fluffy, white duvet._ _

__“Drinking? On a Friday night? How naughty.”_ _

__Jihoon takes one hard swig of the soju, “I figured we’d need it if we’re to open up to one another. It’s not like anybody studies on the weekends at this school, anyways.”_ _

__Soonyoung doesn’t disagree. He curls himself deeper into Jihoon’s couch, picking his bottle up from the table, “You can go first.”_ _

__Joining Soonyoung on the couch, there’s a considerably large distance between them, but Jihoon can still feel his want, “Why did you move here?”_ _

__“Wow, okay, we’re starting here? Well, I just didn’t want to be in Namyangju anymore, I guess. Too many things I didn’t wanna remember.”_ _

__It’s silent between them aside from the clinking of their bottles hitting the table before Soonyoung breaks the tension, “So who are you? The _real_ Lee Jihoon?” _ _

__Jihoon grips the bottle tighter. Even with alcohol in his system, Jihoon doesn’t feel any braver. He shrugs, swishing the soju between his teeth. Soonyoung is patient, and he doesn’t push Jihoon past the line._ _

__“I’m just me. I’m nobody.”_ _

__Soonyoung frowns, unknowingly inching closer to Jihoon’s petite frame. He downs a big sip of his bottle, “Everybody’s someone, Jihoon-ah.”_ _

__A wave of longing tugs at Jihoon, spiraling him higher and higher until it feels like he can’t breathe. Soonyoung is inches away from him, yet he still feels unobtainable. Jihoon’s judgment clouds, partly from alcohol and because Soonyoung is an enigma - is it really true that this is all they’re meant to be?_ _

__

__It takes three bottles of soju for the question to be asked. Through slurred words and inebriated states of minds, Jihoon and Soonyoung have no boundaries between them. Everything is unfiltered, and though they’re pretty sure they won’t remember this in the morning, for once, Jihoon and Soonyoung are intertwined._ _

__( _“What’s your dream, Soonyoung?”__ _

___“To be free. I wanna make my own choices, live my own life._ _ _

___“So then why don’t you?”_ _ _

___Soonyoung cracks open the top of his fourth bottle, “It’s not as easy as you think. I do everything for Cheol-hyung. It’s always been like that. What about you?”_ _ _

___Jihoon snorts, popping the top off of his next bottle, “I just wanna feel something.”_ _ _

___“Like what?”_ _ _

___“Human.”_ )_ _

__

__In the span of a night, Soonyoung and Jihoon learn more about each other than they have in the weeks they’ve hung out together. Of course, all it took was a few rounds of 20 questions and a shit ton of alcohol for them to be in each other’s presence without insulting one another. Soonyoung feels like he’s known Jihoon forever, and Jihoon just wants to kiss Soonyoung. They spend the rest of the night drunk out of their minds and having the time of their lives. And though their words will be forgotten in the morning, for now, they’re the best of friends, but it’s enough for the both of them._ _

__

__Soonyoung wakes up with a killer headache and a stiff neck. He blinks up at the ceiling, shielding his eyes away from the sunlight. He sits upright, cracking the bones in his spine in the process. It takes Soonyoung to fully wake up, his cognitive functions limited and sluggish. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he realizes that he’s not in his room. Soonyoung takes note that he’s on a couch, and it vaguely gives Soonyoung a sense of familiarity, but he can’t really recognize where he is. He wracks his brain for any memories, but only the sound of fuzzy laughter fills in the blanks. All he can hope is that he didn’t do anything that Junhui would do. From across the room, the clock tells him that it’s half past ten. Soonyoung moves to get off the couch when he becomes painfully aware of the heat in his side and the weight on his legs. Soonyoung almost cries when Jihoon’s frame comes into view - there still may be alcohol in his system, but he’d recognize those eyes anywhere. Jihoon stirs, snuggling deeper into Soonyoung’s warmth. Soonyoung is torn between staying where they are and letting Jihoon invade his space or if he should wake Jihoon up in the process of getting up. Soonyoung decides against it. Jihoon is peaceful and he’s never looked more relaxed._ _

__Tugging his arm from underneath Jihoon’s head, Soonyoung’s not sure how or why they ended up in this position, but he does it as gently as he can. Soonyoung holds his breath as Jihoon whines, chasing the warmth that’ll soon leave him. As he rises to his feet, Jihoon buries himself into the empty space of where Soonyoung just was. Soonyoung pulls the covers tighter around Jihoon, locking in the heat Jihoon’s trying to find. And if Soonyoung realizes that his eyes linger on Jihoon’s features a second too long, he pretends that it never happens._ _

__Soonyoung stumbles in his scattered state to find the bathroom. He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees that his clothes are perfectly intact and there seem to be no visible marks on his person. His hands rummage through Jihoon’s cabinets - he’s slept here enough times to know his way around his place fairly well. Soonyoung finds the box of spare toothbrushes and splashes cold water on his face. Not knowing where to set his toothbrush, he decides to take it with him. Jihoon’s still sound asleep when he makes his way back to the living room. He sees the trail of soju and takeout boxes and loose sheets of paper lining Jihoon’s coffee table. Soonyoung gathers the bottles and food in his hands and throws them in the trash. Sorting through the papers, Jihoon’s neat handwriting floods each line. Bits and pieces of the project can be recognized, but pages full of random sentences baffle Soonyoung’s mind. He shrugs, stacking them up together on the table before heading to the front door. Conflicted, Soonyoung peeks over at Jihoon’s sleeping figure. He sighs, dropping his bag back to the floor._ _

__

__Jihoon awakens to the smell of freshly-brewed coffee. He groans, cradling his head. He pulls himself off the couch and makes his way to the bathroom. He does his morning routine with slow reflexes, but when faint singing can be heard, for a second, Jihoon freaks out. He finds Soonyoung in the kitchen, humming to himself. Jihoon’s jaw drops, fists rubbing at his eyes to test if what he’s seeing is real._ _

__“Soonyoung?”_ _

__A clink of cups and kitchenware appear on the dining table, “Oh, hey, Jihoon. I’d say good morning, but it’s not. It’s just a little bit past noon.”_ _

__Jihoon is ushered to the table by Soonyoung, a steaming plate of rice and dumplings in front of him. It’s still hard to believe that Soonyoung is at Jihoon’s house, alone, and it’s even more hard to believe that Soonyoung willingly stayed._ _

__“I don’t remember anything, but damn, my head hurts.”_ _

__Soonyoung giggles, sliding a cup of coffee to Jihoon, “Yeah, I feel that.”_ _

__

__Jihoon’s stomach is almost as full as his heart. Sure, it was awkward at the table, but he supposes that it could’ve been worse. Soonyoung’s actually a pretty good cook, but maybe it just tastes better to him because he’s hungover and influenced by his crush. They barely manage to hold a conversation, but the topic of their project is enough to ease the tension. After breakfast, or lunch, technically speaking, Soonyoung excuses himself from Jihoon’s graces and answers the call._ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__Jeonghan’s voice booms from the other line, loud enough to make Soonyoung’s headache worsen, “Soonyoung! Where are you? You didn’t come home last night and you’re still not here. Are you okay? Seungcheol is so worried about you, all of us are!”_ _

__“Yeah, hyung. I’m okay. And I slept over at Jihoon’s. I would’ve been home earlier but I cooked and shit.”_ _

__Jeonghan pauses, demeanor going from 100 to 0 in a matter of seconds, “Wait, what? Like, willingly?”_ _

__Soonyoung laughs, “I know, right? Jihoon and I decided to start on the project. Apparently our efforts were useless because we drank so much we don’t remember anything. Our efforts were a bust, I guess.”_ _

__“Jesus Christ, Soonyoung. Tell me you guys didn’t-”_ _

__“Oh my goodness, stop. We didn’t. Anyways, I’ll be home soon. Tell Cheol-hyung all is good.”_ _

__Jeonghan squeals, “Don’t bother! Take your time! In fact, don’t come home until you and Jihoon have finished your project. You can come by later to pack your stuff, but you can’t stay.”_ _

__Soonyoung whines, “What? What are you-”_ _

__“Bye, Soonyoung! I mean it!”_ _

__The line goes dead and Soonyoung knows Jeonghan well enough he’s telling everybody his business and coercing all his “children” to lock Soonyoung out of the house. He sighs, not even doubting Jeonghan’s validity. He plops down on the makeshift bed on Jihoon’s couch._ _

__Jihoon gives him a side-eye, “I’m surprised you’re still here.”_ _

__“Han-hyung locked me out. He’s forcing me to stay here until you and I finish the project. And you know how he is.”_ _

__“Not that I’m complaining that you’re here, but it’s nice to share this house with someone. It’s too big for just me anyways. Even though it’s you, you’re welcome to stay.”_ _

__“Really?”_ _

__Jihoon shrugs, “And get to have you all to myself? Please, that’s a dream come true.”_ _

__Soonyoung gags, “Okay, you ruined it. But thanks, Jihoon. I guess it shouldn’t be so bad. We do really need to work on this project anyway.”_ _

__“Where are you going?”_ _

__“Back to my place. I’m just gonna get some stuff and come back.”_ _

__Jihoon grabs his car keys from the rack, teasing Soonyoung, “Moving in already? At least kiss me first.”_ _

__“Nevermind, I’ll finish this damn project myself.”_ _

__

__( _And of course, Jihoon escorts Soonyoung to his house and helps him pack his essentials. Soonyoung ignores the snickering from Junhui and Wonwoo and goes to explain unneeded directions to Joshua on Seungcheol’s daily routine. Jeonghan, true to his word, locks the door as soon as Soonyoung is out the door and safely buckled into the passenger seat of Jihoon’s car.__ _

___He even has the audacity to wave from the window of their apartment and yell “Enjoy your stay!” at the top of his lungs. Kwon Soonyoung really hates his life sometimes_.)_ _

__

__When Soonyoung settles all his belongings into one of Jihoon’s many guest rooms, it takes an entire full hour for Soonyoung and Jihoon to come up with a compromise. Jihoon wants Soonyoung to move into his room, but Soonyoung refuses, so the two of them decide to have their rooms across from one another. Jihoon feels like he’s floating, but he isn’t sure if the deal is good enough for him. Soonyoung really wishes Jihoon and his dynamic didn’t have to resort to this, but Soonyoung tries not to dwell on the anxiousness in his chest. Jihoon, of course, is delighted to share a house with his muse, and though Soonyoung is skeptical of the whole ordeal, he just wants to go to bed. After dinner, Jihoon (reluctantly) lets Soonyoung be in his own space. As Soonyoung drifts off to sleep, he swears he hears a faint voice lulling him to sleep. It follows him into his dreams, and though he doesn’t know it, his heart and mind wander back to a soul who’s just as lost as he is. The distance between them remains unchanged, yet everything is too different to ever be the same._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay WOW this chapter comes almost a month since my last update... I'M SORRY. i was dealing with a lot of stress & anxiety, but like, it's still there but what can you do. anyways, my first week of college starts next week, so i'm going to be busy but i'll still update as much as i can. i've been taking time to myself when inspiration struck. i decided that i'd write whenever the energy comes to me and not force it, you know? i've had major writer's block but for now, i'm good. i know i said i'd update twice a month but you can't rush perfection, lol, it's not even perfect, but you get what i mean.
> 
> also, i know this story seems to be going nowhere, BUT i have a plan i swear. it's going slow but fast at the same time - there's a lot of behind the scenes that i don't talk about. next chapter will follow the journey of soonhoon ofc and then give some spotlight to some of our character's. jh and sy seem to move fast in a short amount of time, but think of it as like since there's no set time period or timeline for this story, you can interpret it however you want. does sy like jh? does jh like sy? who knows, but hey, that's the fun of it. i'll figure it out, and you're coming along with me for the ride. 
> 
> my birthday is the 26th of september, which is saturday, and though this is two days early, here's a birthday gift from me to you LOL
> 
> as always, this is unedited, and feedback is always welcome. let me know if you want me to ever address anything or want me to write about something for future fics/chapters. 
> 
> twt: @glowingji  
> ig: @truthsbylee (that's my singing acc if ur interested! vids coming soon)


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